What to Say to Your Kids About Sexual Abuse
	Parents should view sexual abuse as an issue that the whole family is concerned about By Amy Dickinson

Monday, June 23, 2003; 2:31 p.m. EST
Experts note that focusing on the sexual act is confusing and scary for kids. But when children are at around age 3, parents can talk freely and openly with them about their bodies, explaining, "Your body belongs only to you. It is the one thing you don't have to share with others." Also: "If anyone ever wants to see or touch your private parts, you should tell me right away." Children should also be told that it's fine to say no to anything that makes them uncomfortable, and that includes sitting on Uncle Bob's lap if they don't like it. "If these things are discussed openly at home, then it is much more probable that a child will know when something unusual has happened and report back to parents," Baker says.

Parents should make it clear to their children that "there are no secrets in our family," Baker says. "Pedophiles use secrecy and shame to keep children quiet. Predators are less likely to choose a child for a victim if they know that the child will tell someone." If families establish an open environment of communication in which any questions can be asked and answered without shame or judgment, children will come to parents when things aren't right.

Pedophiles groom their victims by starting benignly, then making them feel special and exclusive, sometimes even using a mother or father's trust to get to a child. Parents should tell their children it's not right for an older person to want to be their special friend with no other grownups around. Parents should also say, "Older people—even teenagers—should not give you special gifts without asking your parents first and should never ask you to keep secrets." Children should be told that if a relationship with an older person they already know changes and that person wants to be alone with them, this is a danger sign.

Finally, children should be told over and over again to follow that feeling they get in their tummy when things just don't seem right. Even if they don't know exactly what is wrong, children, like the rest of us, can sense a dangerous or threatening situation. "Always follow your gut" is a simple and important piece of safety advice that even young children can understand.

Baker says parents should view sexual abuse as an issue that the whole family is concerned about—not just the kids. "If children have knowledge and they think their parents know what's going on and what to do, that's not frightening—that's empowering," she says. Children who are empowered will be surefooted and confident in life; they will also be less vulnerable to predators who want to do the unthinkable.

From the April 29, 2002 issue of TIME Magazine