The Envelope, Please
Anointing himself an arbiter of taste, Joel Stein picks what he thinks should be the Product of the Year
By Joel Stein

Winter 2004 Style & Design
For the past seven years, the editors at TIME have shut me out of the Person of the Year meetings. I blame ageism, although I acknowledge that I haven't helped my case with all those e-mails arguing that they should choose me. Though, in my defense, these have been seven extraordinarily strong years for me. So, instead of trying to influence their decision, this year I've decided to initiate the Product of the Year category, which I think is even better than Person of the Year because no one can send you a free case of Persons of the Year.

That's what got me thinking about making the flat screen the Product of the Year. I can't come close to affording one, and yet every airport, hotel and lame chain restaurant is decorating with the screens like they're St. Ides posters. Sure, they're pretty, compact and a perfect way to say to guests, "I make more money than you," but it's a little early for the flat screen. It takes a bit of glamour away from a product when the guys from Best Buy have to come over to set it up.

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I gave strong consideration to the iPod mini, but it's too similar to the iPod, only lamer. The Treo, which finally put a phone, e-mail, a camera and a Palm in one gadget, looks a little too much like a giant scientific-notation calculator you hold up to your face. Sofias, the cans of sparkling wine with a straw attached that Sofia Coppola inspired, are hot in a Paris Hilton way, but in the end they're just another thing her dad made for her. It was also quite a year for the handbag, but I can't get behind something that both Monica Lewinsky and Nicky Hilton are able to make, at least as far as handbags are concerned. And the Alexander McQueen American Express black card, with a concierge service that turns life into a constant stay at the Four Seasons, became a lot less cool when I found out that Alexander McQueen wasn't in Bullitt. I would totally pick a Bullitt credit card as Product of the Year.

That's why I'm going with Ugg boots. Though fashion editors have been declaring the sheepskin shoes dead every month since Daryl Hannah wore them, and only them, in the November 2003 issue of Playboy, they have not gone away. Sure, sometimes, like in a horror movie, when you first see a really, really ugly thing, you are so confused and startled you have to look at it for a while before determining that yes, that tiny little leprechaun does have the soul of Satan. But Uggs lasted throughout 2004. You've had a whole year to look at them. It's as if Liza Minnelli were celebrating an anniversary with David Gest.

These are glorified Australian post-surfing socks that I hear got their name because they are ugly. What other clue do you need? These are shoes labeled ugly by Australia—a country that regularly sends its good-looking people here.

Yet last winter, people were stealing Uggs from yoga studios, which seemed like the best case of California karma imaginable until Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected Governor. This summer women wore them with miniskirts, making some bizarre pseudoscientific argument that they "adapt to your body temperature" by "expelling moisture." There is often talk about sheep not getting hot. I think these people should be forced to wear wool sweaters at the beach. Which, if there is karma, will be my punishment for the rest of my life.

Uggs are still so hot that starting this month, VH1 is holding an online charity auction with boots designed by Jay-Z and Jessica Simpson. So, Uggs, I name you Product of the Year. You have been knocked off, sold in powder blue and pink, turned into men's shoes, and still you survive. You conjure a certain snow-bunny sexiness, making me think of surfers and skiers and other women who lower their inhibitions on vacation. I admire that your soft comfort has allowed women to be cool without wearing painful heels. And you did kind of look good on Daryl Hannah, though that's a low bar, Uggs.

If there's a sign, however, that Uggs will disappear in 2005, it's that Ugg Australia is hedging its bets by selling other products. Yes, it's making handbags.

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