'Survivor': Farewell, My Old Kentucky Joe

Well, it was age before beauty as the Ogakor alliance — deprived of yet another chance to collapse on Colby — seemingly pulled itself back together for the stretch run. But while Rodger the Codger took it manfully enough, stoically offering up his old bones to save Elisabeth's decidedly cuter ones, in Week 12 it was "Survivor 2" itself that got dreadfully weepy in its old age.

The Outback Internet Cafe? Good product placement for the iMac, but horribly treacly viewing, as CBS dragged the contestants' families in for a lifeline-style Outback trivia game to hand out the week's reward — which was neither food nor shelter but a half-hour "private chat" for Tina and her family. (And a $500 shopping spree, courtesy of the good folks at — well, I'm not telling. Take that, capitalist pigs.) Nothing like Internet-homesickness — set of course to a tinkling piano score — to make rugged survivalism cuter than a well-worn teddy bear. This is what we get for tuning in every week like Pavlovian dogs? Grown men crying?

Heck, Keith even proposed, in full-on cutie-pie mode, to his girlfriend, whom we'll call "Asparagus" to protect her identity. (After the ever-dunderheaded Keith blew the Immunity Challenge by dropping his lock in the grass — and followed that by clunking his head on a lantern — she may want to discreetly change her answer.)

Let's just say it: This one was lame.

The teary Reward Challenge put a gauzy sentimentality over the second half-hour, with Keith praying around the fire (which God promptly answered with a fierce thunderstorm, which the producers — just guessing here — promptly mitigated by planting a smoldering log in the woods just out of sight). Colby even declared it "a non-strategy day."

Then he turned into a deranged Howard Cosell. Evidently aware of how little of the old "Survivor" magic — plotting, cattiness, back-stabbing, that sort of thing — they had to work with, the editors gave us Colby, Colby, Colby (whose teeth are still remarkably white), who did his best to fill the void. The man is definitely out of Texas charm, skulking around glaring out from under an askew Mad Bomber hat and talking smack about, well, mostly talking smack about Keith. (How cooking too much rice and proposing to his girlfriend online was supposed to be good strategy, only Colby seemed to know.)

Thus was set up what was supposed to be the shocking twist at the end of it all. Face it — we're all sick of Keith and his bumbling and his puppy-dog tears, and once Colby won the old-style Aussie-jailbreak Immunity Challenge by not dropping his lock in the grass, we had to hope it was him. (Rodger, interestingly enough for a 12-year bank president, retained absolutely none of the facts Probst dealt out in the challenge's setup, and basically stumbled around in the night scratching his beard and looking, well, looking like he really deserves to be called Kentucky Joe.)

The Challenge was a clever one — basically a listening-comprehension test, something intellectual, and thus a chance for the other four to topple Colby, but the Texan turned out to be Bush-smart enough to take it when the chef Homer Simpsoned it away. And hey — we all learned a few things about the Outback.

So Rodger, Elisabeth's "Outback Daddy," fell for the oldest con the book — the ingenue and her "sick mother" — and the Barramundi tribe is down to four. We're supposed to be thinking about the jury, but somehow the remaining four aren't the types to have tantalizingly made enemies — or lingering shadow alliances — in the Richard Hatch tradition. (Though we caught Colby, who is probably aware that he's morphed into something of a villain of late, trying to win back Jerri's woman-scorned heart by shooting a meaningful glance at her breasts.)

The Final Four. Tina, Keith, Colby and Elisabeth. One Kucha, three Ogakors, but it was a surprise when those labels still mattered this week (did Amber's exit mean nothing?) and it'll be a bigger one if they matter next time. How will it all shake out? There's only one thing for sure:

Keith will find a way to blow it.

	Want to talk live on the phone to Jenna Lewis? On Wednesday, May 2 at 8 p.m. EDT (5 p.m. PDT), join Keen members and TIME readers in a Keen Call Event with Jenna of "pink bikini" fame — one day before the "Survivor 2" finale. This call costs just 30¢ per minute. And if you're new to Keen, your first three minutes are free. Find out how to join this call.
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