W I N N E R S BOB DOLE Wise and frisky ex-Senator suggests fix to impeachment dilemma and becomes Viagra spokesman STEVEN SEAGAL Are we ready for this? Action actor turns musician, signing contract for five albums BOSTONIANS It's about time! England apologizes for high taxes that incited the 1773 "tea party"

L O S E R S LUCIANO PAVAROTTI Intermission. Italian tenor, embroiled in an "unclarified" tax situation, cancels two shows THE YETI Wildlife officials in China declare the abominable snowman non-existent. Sure, and Santa's a fake too, huh? RIGOBERTA MENCHU Nobel Peace Prize winner's extolled autobiography suddenly doesn't add up

V E R B A T I M

"Every now and then I'm picked up on the radar, but no one's ever fired a missile at me." Macy's Santa Claus, when asked if he's ever been the target of a Tomahawk during his Christmas Eve rounds "Someone who is the exact replica of myself." Mahathir Mohamad, Malaysia's Prime Minister, on the ideal candidate to be his eventual successor

"The State Duma appeals to Ms. Lewinsky to undertake corresponding measures to restrain the emotions of Bill Clinton." Alexander Filatov, Russian legislator, derisively asking the former presidential intern to help stop the U.S. bombings of Iraq "A snake around my neck." Prince Claus, Dutch noble, yanking off his necktie at the start of an exhibit of African fashion, sparking an open-collar uprising throughout the Netherlands