Last year's unrest pushed Indonesia to the edge. John Stanmeyer--Saba for TIME

I arrived in Indonesia five years ago, an economist sure of his principles and eager to take on the challenges of development. This month I leave a very different Indonesia as a very different person. The country I saw on arrival is gone, swept away in a surge of history and emotion. Many strengths remain--there is far less poverty than a generation ago and a much better foundation for growth. But the proliferation of political parties, the unrest and violence, and the rise of a new and vocal civil society are signs of a country remaking itself quickly and chaotically.

Nonetheless, things are far rosier than they seemed on Jan. 8 last year, when disaster appeared imminent. I feared for Indonesia's future on that day, as Jakarta panicked and the rupiah collapsed, as shelves were ransacked and stores emptied. I sensed then that Indonesia's erupting crisis might just overwhelm us all. In my heart I was beginning to believe that no matter how good the reform and support efforts of the World Bank and the international community were, they might not work, so profound was the societal shift taking place. Indonesia's crisis was no longer an economic one. In their deeply mystical way, Indonesians seemed to have accepted that the time for a change of leadership was at hand.

Late April and early May were a blur as Indonesia moved toward a precipice. Images of 1965, when the last presidential transition cost hundreds of thousands of lives, were on everyone's minds. This was now a battle for Indonesia's soul. On May 14, I watched from my office as Jakarta burned, and I listened to reports of a city gone mad. I can remember having to fight off waves of emotion and practically having to force myself to breathe. I could not tear myself away from the window, though I could hardly bear what I saw.

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