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Write, Like, the Experts
How to become an online columnist
By ADI IGNATIUS
February 14, 2000
Web posted at 9:30 a.m. Hong Kong time, 8:30 p.m. EST
Ever wonder what it takes to be a successful online columnist? Wit, insight, a silly byline -- sure, all that stuff is important. But a lot of what we do turns out to be formulaic. So, budding writersmiths, here are a few tips on how to pen expertly.
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• FONTS: Choosing the type style may be the most important decision you make. It's like selecting which key to compose music in. Once you make your selection, the rest is a cinch!
• PUNCTUATION: You can always, enliven prose with liberal use of, commas.
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• THE METAPHOR: This literary technique for making analogies is generally the province of poets and lovers. So use with caution among strangers and readers with unappealing demographic features.
• THE SIMILE: This is similar to the metaphor but generally used as a phrase introduced by "like" or "as." Example: Chow Yun-fat is, like, totally cool.
• IRONY: This is how many columnists characterize pretty much everything that isn't a simile or a metaphor. As in, "Ironically, the two men came from the same town." Generally avoid, in other words, if characterizing an event or coincidence that's only mildly improbable. Why? I don't know. I do know that, despite the successful effect in the Austin Powers sequel, it's absolutely verboten to make those little quote marks with your fingers to denote ironic speech. It can be funny, though, to put random "words" in quotation "marks."
• COLOR: The best columns have it, though not all colorful detail works. Example: "I'm something of a renaissance man," says Mr. Chan, taking a drag on a cigarette. (The smoking bit doesn't do much for the story.) But this does: "I'm something of a renaissance man," says Mr. Chan. He stops mid-sentence to swat at a fly buzzing over his head. He flattens it with his palm. Then he hits it again, this time with his fist. He reaches into his desk drawer and takes out a hammer. He smashes the long-dead fly repeatedly with it ... (This is effective color. The reader somehow feels he has learned something more about the subject.)
• THE FOURTH PARAGRAPH: Though underrated, the fourth paragraph is among the most critical in every story. When crafted properly, it plays an essential role as a bridge between the third paragraph and the pentagraph (also known as the fifth paragraph). The fourth paragraph should include material that isn't in the previous three and, just as critically, isn't in the following dozen or so paragraphs. That's why it's so important.
• SPELL CHECK: Don't be afraid to use it. Even in Shakespeare's day, there was someone at the printer's office, working 24/7 (as they called it then), converting all his s's into f's and adding extra e's all over the place. And don't forget, everybady need an editr.
Well, that's it. Choose a font and let those online columns flow. And remember, the fewer the readers, the bigger the IPO!
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