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Scuba Jiving
I survived, and maybe you can too
By ADI IGNATIUS
February 21, 2000
Web posted at 11:30 a.m. Hong Kong time, 10:30 p.m. EST
There's absolutely no reason to be afraid of diving. On a recent trip to Palawan, in the Philippines, I had my first scuba experience. Piece of cake.
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Sure, I went mano-a-fisho with some flesh-eaters and experienced the standard fears that Iíd accidentally filled my tank with helium. But these are minor discomforts along the way to seeing an alternative universe of, well, fish. So for you skittish types, here are some tips to help you overcome your irrational fears of the deep, blue, quiet, lonely, deadly, shark-infested sea.
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Before my initial dive, the instructors asked me to sign a piece of paper. It wasnít easy making out the fine print as I stood on the rickety pier wearing flippers and a fogged-up mask with a 25-pound air tank on my back. But I could decipher some of it: "I realize that diving is stupid. I realize it's dangerous. I understand the chances aren't great that Iíll ever resurface. Sign here."
Fine. I signed. The alternative was to return to the restaurant at the resort. I'm not knocking Philippine cuisine, but the odds of survival seemed greater swimming with the sharks.
The fish world, as every schoolchild knows, is divided between carnivores, who eat fish, and cannibals, who eat people.
But there are some things you can do to minimize the risks. First, never, ever dive with an open packet of ketchup. Sharks abhor irony. And steer clear of areas featuring low, rhythmic bass cello sounds. It's a sure sign of danger (just ask Steven Spielberg). If any sharks do come your way, take a deep breath and then punch them in the nose. Apparently it disorients them and they eat the dive master instead.
And anyway, there are far worse fates than being eaten. Like using too much toothpaste. Someone had told me that it's the best thing for avoiding foggy masks. I kept brushing my teeth, but it didn't help. Finally I slathered toothpaste on the mask itself. On the first dive I saw toothpaste. Eventually I threw the tube overboard. That worked.
And then I was ready for my adventure. Hereís just a sampling of what I saw: Jackelopes, Karmapas, Man Rays, Finns, Water Piks, Marmites, Headhunters, Sashimi. And I emerged intact. Well, almost. The stitches come out in a week, but at least I can still type. With my nose.
So as you can see, there's a very special world awaiting you out there. Still nervous? Check out my new favorite website: www.jawsmovie.com.
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