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Asia Buzz: Election Special, Part 55
It could only happen in America
By ANTHONY SPAETH
November 13, 2000
Web posted at 2:00 p.m. Hong Kong time, 1:00 a.m. EDT
Welcome back to "Current Affairs: One Darned Thing After Another." I'm your
host, Telegenic Ted. The U.S. presidential crisis, now in its fifth week, took a
turn today that can only be called dramatic. And that's saying a lot considering
this incredible, historic story, isn't it, Judy?
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Jolly Judy:
It is indeed. I haven't been able to comb my hair out since early
this month.
Ted: Deal with it, Judy. We now cross live to our Beijing bureau
for the latest news, with bureau chief Ji Wiz.
Ji: China finally recognized the government of Al Gore today
after weeks of procrastination. That puts 22 governments behind Gore,
compared to 21 who have recognized the government of George W. Bush.
Judy: To remind our viewers, the countries behind Gore now
include Britain, Mexico, Brazil, India, Latvia, most of the African
continent, and Iraq. Backing Bush is Japan, Germany, Canada, Pakistan,
Burma and the United Arab Emirates. The Kremlin, as of last reports,
hasn't been heard from -- or, perhaps, hasn't been asked.
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Intelligence
The story behind today's news from the editors of Asiaweek
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Ted: And France, Judy?
Judy: France says it wants nothing to do with either.
Ted: No news there!
[They both laugh]
Ted: Ji, what was behind China's momentous decision?
Ji: The decision came after this week's visit by Gore's special
emissaries Barbra Streisand and Alec Baldwin. We haven't confirmed
this yet, but apparently Gore has offered Beijing control over the
entire Pacific, including South America.
Judy: Enticing indeed. We heard also that Barbra sang at the
banquet last night.
Ji: That's true, Judy, but the deal went through anyway.
Ted: Was there any quid pro quo?
Ji: Possibly. It was announced this morning that a double bill
of "The Mirror Has Two Faces" and "9 1/2 Weeks" will be playing in
all Chinese cinemas as of next week. And satellite photos show that
China's intercontinental ballistic missiles are now pointed at Austin,
Texas.
Ted: That's where Gov. Bush's breakaway government is headquartered,
of course, and correspondent T. Grizzled Veteran now joins us from
Austin.
Veteran: The Bush camp says it is disappointed in China's decision,
but repeated its mantra that when it finally manages to retake the
White House from what it calls the "Gore-Clinton-Hillary Scoundrels,"
it would treat all nations fairly, regardless of how they reacted
during the crisis. Then it ordered the closure of all Chinese restaurants
in Texas, Tennessee, Mexico, Brazil and Latvia.
Judy: Did the Bush team admit that its own envoys to Beijing
failed in their mission the week before last?
Veteran: Privately, Bush insiders say it might have been a
mistake to send Charlton Heston, Arnold Schwarzenegger and June Allyson.
They say the message might have been confusing.
June: Veteran, you're reporting from the City Center Comfort
Inn. Is there any chance Governor Bush will be able to retake the
Austin State House?
Veteran: No, the forces of former governor Ann Richards and
rebel Republican James Baker still control that. And since the defection
of former vice presidential candidate Dick Cheney, their position
has only strengthened.
Ted: An update just in: Rep. Rick Lazio says he won't surrender
Long Island even if China points missiles at his headquarters, which,
as we've reported, is at the International House of Pancakes, right
off Exit 12 in Rosalyn, open 24 hours, children welcome, free refills.
Judy?
Judy: Finally, we go to our special correspondent in Washington,
Ron Ziegler, former press secretary to President Richard Nixon. Ron,
with the country divided and the National Guard on American streets,
things are sure different from the Nixon days, aren't they?
Ziegler: Not particularly.
Judy: What's happening at the embattled White House.
Ziegler: The Gore team is continuing its "business as usual"
theme, Judy, decorating the White House Christmas tree, for example,
and finalizing plans for the depopulation of Florida.
Judy: Hillary's in charge of that, right?
Ziegler: Correct.
Ted: Has there been any progress in the talks with Ralph Nader?
Ziegler: Not as far as we know. Nader refuses to surrender
Greenwich Village or Seattle.
Ted: Breaking news from Hollywood, and coming in live, with
her own theme music, is correspondent Cindy Toothsome. What's happening
in LaLa Land, Cindy?
Toothsome: In a further display of its support for Al Gore,
director Ron Howard has announced that his big Jim Carrey picture
currently at the box office would be renamed. The new title is "The
Gingrich That Stole Christmas."
Ted: ...and?
Toothsome: ...in yet a further show of support, Martin Sheen,
Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez have flown to Washington...
Ted: We're running out of time, Cindy.
Toothsome: ...while angry crowds surrounded the residences
of June Allyson, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chuck Heston with soundtrucks
blaring the soundtrack from "Yentl."
Ted: All I can say, folks, is that from where I'm sitting the
view is getting uglier and uglier. Oh Judy, don't cry -- I didn't
mean you. Wait! We forgot about Buchanan. Veteran, any word from his
camp?
Veteran: Buchanan is sticking by his pledge to recover the
Philippines as a U.S. colony when he takes power.
Ted: Which is why the Philippine government has recognized
the Buchanan administration! That's all for tonight, folks. Tune in
tomorrow. And Judy, please stop weeping. You don't look that bad.
Considering...
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