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Asia Buzz: 2001 Resolutions
But I'm only going to keep three
By ANTHONY SPAETH
January 2, 2001
Web posted at 10:50 a.m. Hong Kong time, 9:50 p.m. EDT
I've never met a New Year's resolution I didn't dislike, and my record so far is 100% perfect: I've never made one.
But when you reach a certain age (or as my kids suggest, when you teeter at
the edge of terminal self-disintegration) owning-up to life gets more
necessary. The children no longer accept that I've forgotten their names
because of human spongiform disease. The Old Chain 'N Ball, or whatever I call
her, doesn't approve of my Internet habits. She vows to file for divorce if
she finds me one more morning slumped in front of the computer, amidst a sea
of empty Pabst Blue Ribbon cans, with my linen in dishabille. (Usually under
the desk, but, on a few surprising occasions, dangling from the bedroom
chandelier.)
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Good friends have also pointed out shortcomings, and my first resolution is to
delete their numbers from my Palm Pilot.
My second: to spend much less time with my family.
Third: to see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
Is that enough? Okay, for general health and legal reasons, I'm going to
decline any party invitations this year from Robert Downey Jr. Smoking-wise, I
could quit, but why should the onus be entirely on me? I think a compromise
would be fairer. Let's say that everyone smokes on airplanes but no one smokes
on the ground. Or everyone smokes in San Francisco and Denver, but cigarettes
aren't allowed anywhere else, with the exception of China, Japan and the
former Soviet Union. Or, more revolutionary, everyone is required to smoke,
and nonsmokers are shunned with putdowns like, "Jeez-you must taste like a
clean ashtray."
(This will take negotiations, and I propose Boutros Boutros-Ghali, who is
allegedly so eager to get back in the negotiating game that he'd willingly give
up his left Boutros.)
Next, I have to get going on my novel. Whenever the Nobel prizes or the
Bookers are announced, I punch myself in the thighs knowing it could have been
me swimming in the accolades, the prize monies, and causing trouble in
Hollywood with casting. (Mel or Brad?) Then I get discouraged, realizing that
if you factor in the normal temporal delays-getting an agent, buying off the
Nobel committee-I should have started the novel sometime during the Reagan
administration.
I also wonder whether my concept has dated. Hard-hitting reporter Rock
Fuselage, despite a hectic personal life involving beautiful women and lots of
Pabst Blue Ribbon, discovers Japan's plot to take over the world economy
during the tense days preceding the handover of Hong Kong to China. I could
swap China for Japan, and Taiwan for Hong Kong, but I already have an outline
somewhere. A friend suggested that to boost marketability, Rock be trans-sexed
into Caitlin, but that brings up lots of other tricky questions. Sigourney or
Angelina? Chardonnay or Citron Absolut? (The Old Ball 'N Chain drinks rubbing
alcohol and Gatorade out of beer steins, but she's a lot stranger than
fiction.)
And if I finish the book this year, I may take a cue from the frustrated
novelist who para-glided into Buckingham Palace last week. I'd prefer a less
athletic alternative, such as sauntering, or possibly a short, mild trot. I
don't know-can't this be done online?
Dear Queen Elizabeth:
"Rock Fuselage, whose impossibly tall, lean physique resembled nothing less
than a twelve-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon, had a sudden hint of foreboding, a
premonition of trouble abrew, as he strode purposefully down the dense,
crowded, female-stuffed neon corridors of Wanchai. Was it the ubiquitious
Japanese restaurants? A discernible hint of Kikkoman soy sauce in the air? The
shop windows stuffed with products bearing Japanese-and no other-- brand
names? Suddenly he remembered the previous evening's global television
broadcast made by Boutros Boutros-Ghali, and stopped to light a cigarette.
'Don't want to be conspicuous,' he thought. A black-haired passerby, most
probably Japanese, gave him a sidelong look and Rock, just to be safe, lit two
more and smoked all three cigarettes simultaneously."
END
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