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about Asia Buzz
Asia Buzz: Blowtorch
Will Colin Powell have the answers to America's problems?
By ANTHONY SPAETH
January 15, 2001
Web posted at 4:30 p.m. Hong Kong time, 3:30 a.m. EDT
Confirmation hearings for George W. Bush's cabinet take place soon, and for people outside the U.S., the ordeal with the most appeal is that of Colin Powell, Bush's secretary of state-designate.
In part, this is because he will be responsible for America's relations with the rest of the world. Also, we don't really care how many illegal aliens were employed by the other cabinet designates. (That issue has altered, in fact, since it first caused trouble for Bill Clinton in 1992. Democrats were slaughtered if they had employed even one illegal alien in their home. Republicans, in contrast, are allowed a maximum of two, as long as they weren't employed to pick grapes or mass-produce sneakers.)
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We newsmen are entirely familiar with the confirmation hearing drill. Powell's will undoubtedly begin with a tribute to the general's career and his other political plus points.
Committee Chairman: We notice general, that you are an African-American.
Powell: Yes sir.
Chairman: Congratulations on that, general.
Powell: Thank you sir. It was the least I could do to honor my parents, who were African-Americans my whole growing up.
Chairman: For viewers of these proceedings on television, we should note for the record that the general doesn't look, talk or dress African-American, or at least not in the manner we see frequently here on the streets of our capital.
Powell: I teach my children Ebonics at home. [Polite applause in the chamber].
That's the deceptively easy opener. With rapid dispatch, we can expect the democratic committee members to try to embarrass Powell and expose his ignorance about the world outside America. It is for this reason that Powell will be exhaustively coached before he enters the Senate chamber.
Democrat #1: General, have you ever eaten a pomme fritte?
Powell: With mayonnaise.
Democrat #2: Is Canada the country north of us or south of us?
Powell: (points upward).
Democrat #3: General, if India lobbed several nuclear weapons into Pakistan, and Pakistan responded in kind, who would win?
Powell: Who cares? [Robust laughter in the chamber. Points given to Powell for wit and charm.]
Democrat #4: General, you've been very eloquent on the need for an "exit strategy" before you would involve this great nation in any foreign involvement. And yet you're the one who pulled us out of Iraq before getting rid of Saddam Hussein. What the hell happened there?
Powell's counsel: Mr. Chairman, I believe we agreed in advance not to raise this subject.
The hardest part of the process will be when Colin Powell is grilled on his future boss, George W. Bush, and how he sees the world.
Senator: Aside from that fun weekend in Tijuana in 1972, has President Bush ever been abroad?
Powell: He watched "Life is Beautiful" five times. And Laura enjoyed the first half of "The Garden of Finzi-Contini."
Senator: But when the President was asked last week about the Middle East, he responded that Middle Easterners were the best kind of Americans because they grew crops.
Powell: The press has to respect the new ground rules, Senator. When they ask the President a question about foreign affairs, they're supposed to pull on their left earlobe. And when they ask a so-called "hardball" question, they should wink three times.
Senator: Do they really grow crops in the Middle East, general?
Powell: I'm not sure, but Madeleine Albright tells me they sow violence and hatred a lot.
Asian-American Senator: General, we have some questions specifically on Asia. Firstly, does the President know it exists?
Powell [nodding confidently]: The briefing took place yesterday.
Asian-American Senator: Secondly, does this administration consider China a strategic partner or a strategic competitor?
Powell: Frankly, Senator, we're still looking for an exit strategy on that issue.
Asian-American Senator: Lastly, does President Bush upchuck after Japanese food like his dad?
Powell: I couldn't say, but I wouldn't expect President Clinton's favorite Japanese dish to remain on the White House menu.
Asian-American Senator: What was that?
Powell: Blowfish.
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