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Asia Buzz: Curtain-Raiser
Inside the Oval Office
By ANTHONY SPAETH
January 22, 2001
Web posted at 4:00 p.m. Hong Kong time, 4:00 a.m. EDT
Act I: THE OVAL OFFICE, FRIDAY JAN. 19, 2001
Bill Clinton: O.K., gang, we've pardoned Roger, Patty, Susan. Who's next? Al, I
really like your idea of pardoning all the convicts in Texas. Good headline for
tomorrow.
Janet Reno: Mr. President, Pinochet's people are putting on heavy pressure.
Clinton: Don't they know they have to wait for an outgoing Republican?
Gore: Tell them to call back in exactly four years.
Reno: They've promised you and Hillary a very nice vacation home?
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ASIA BUZZ |
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Letter from Japan: Back to the Future
Will George W. Bush carry on his father's (barfing) legacy?
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Friday, January 22, 2001
Culture on Demand: The Great Escape
Clear the mind and mend the soul on your next getaway
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Friday, January 19, 2001
Asia Buzz: Sexy Singapore?
Pushing the boundary in the control-minded city-state
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Tuseday, January 16, 2001
Asia Buzz: Blowtorch
Will Colin Powell have the answers to America's problems?
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Monday, January 15, 2001
Culture on Demand: The Goss on Gucci
Pass the dog bones, please
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Saturday, January 13, 2001
Letter from Japan: Hard Medicine
The "Japan way" has failed. It's time to act
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Friday, January 12, 2001
Asia Buzz: Google
There is no other search engine worth using
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Tuseday, January 9, 2001
Asia Buzz: Truth in Advertising
Savvy advertising slogans could help our region's embattled leaders
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Monday, January 8, 2001
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ASIAWEEK |
Intelligence
The story behind today's news from the editors of Asiaweek
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Clinton: What's the offer?
Reno: All of Costa Rica.
Clinton: Manuel, why don't you bring us all another round.
Manuel: Yes sir. Eight more Screaming Orgasms coming up.
Clinton: Now, why is John Travolta on this pardon list? For Primary Colors?
Reno: No, sir. Battlefield Earth.
(A faint ringing noise comes from the bottom drawer of Clinton's desk.)
Clinton: What the hell is this? (He holds up an ancient cellular phone with a
large a decal reading "Imeldific.")
Manuel (serving drinks): That's the hotline from Malacanang in Manila, Mr.
President. It dates back to the Marcos years.
Clinton: Hello?
Baritone Voice: This is Joseph Estrada, President of the Philippines and
Champion of the Pilipino people.
Clinton: Erap! How's the impeachment going? Stick to the right-wing conspiracy
line like I told you.
Estrada: Mr. President, this is a conspiracy! The only people not being listened
to are the Pilipino people, who are behind me 110%.
Clinton: Perfect, Erap, perfect.
Estrada: There are armored personnel carriers outside Malacanang, Mr. President,
and Philippine Air Force planes buzzing overhead.
Clinton: Are you alone, Erap?
Estrada: Everyone's abandoned me: my generals, my mistresses, my Senators... even
the presidential colonic therapist. I'm here alone with my sock puppet.
Clinton (aside): Madeleine, maybe you should handle this.
Albright: Let me talk to the sock puppet, President Estrada.
Squeaky Contralto (singing sadly): Don't cry for me, Philipinas...
Albright: Sock Puppet, tell the President it may be time to cut and cut cleanly.
Squeaky Contralto: They're blowing us off, Big Boy. (Sound of baritone sobbing.)
Albright: We may have a place for you both in Costa Rica. Uh oh! (Winking at the
group and holding the phone a distance away.) We're going through a tunnel...can't
hear you... (She punches a button to disconnect.)
Clinton: Poor old Erap. I promised him a hootenanny on his next state visit to
the U.S. But that Vice President of his isn't a bad little number. Which reminds
me: another Screaming Orgasm, Monica?
Lewinsky: Pardon me?
Clinton: You've got it!
Act II: THE OVAL OFFICE, SATURDAY JAN. 20, 2001
George W. Bush: They say that was the coldest inauguration in 40 years. Jeez!
Hey you, darky, bring us some drinks. I'll have a Virgin Mary, spicy, Laura will
have a Shirley Cocktail, some Perrigrino for the young Reverend Graham, Diet
Cokes for the Cheneys and Earl Grey for Colin. Mom?
Barbara: I'll have a bottle of Absolut, Manuel.
Manuel: This brings back memories!
(A faint ringing noise comes from the bottom drawer of Bush's desk.)
Manuel (getting the phone): Malacanang, Mr. President.
Bush: Howdy!
Arroyo: Bill? It's me, Gloria!
Bush: I'm in charge now. This is George W. Bush, President of the United States!
(Friends and family start clapping.)
Mom: Done wonderfully, dear.
Arroyo: Oh, I'm sorry Mr. President. This is Gloria Macapagal Arroyo.
Bush (aside): What the hell...I can't understand a thing this person is saying...
Macapa...
Arroyo: I'm the new President of the Philippines. The People have come out into
the streets to Vanquish the Forces of Darkness and bring a New Ray of Light to
the Troubled Ship of State, which was sailing on Troubled Waters.
Bush: I thought I had bad speechwriters.
Arroyo: Mr. President, although we are still very ebullient here in the Manila
following the victory of the People's Will over the power of Goons, Guns and
Gold, I am a teensy bit worried the way I've come to power. Do you think I have
a proper mandate?
Bush (to group): She wants to know if she has a mandate.
Barbara: Tell her not to worry a minute about it.
Bush: So why are you calling, Miss Macapa... Macarena... Ms. President?
Arroyo: To get your support.
Bush: Colin?
Powell: I want my bases back.
Bush: We'll have to negotiate that later. Anything else President Cutey-Pie?
Arroyo: Well, I guess I also want to felicitate you and (giggling) to allow you
to felicitate me.
Bush: I think you really want to talk to my predecessor.
THE END
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