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Asia Buzz: Tattle in Seattle
Maybe those loonies weren't so dumb
By ADI IGNATIUS
December 6, 1999
Web posted at 11 a.m. Hong Kong time, 10 p.m. EDT
Sure, it's easy to criticize those ragtag hippie used-to-bes who stirred up all that trouble at the World Trade Organization meeting in Seattle -- especially the big guys hurling the trash cans. But in researching the issues, I've determined that many of the protesters' complaints are actually quite reasonable -- especially, and I want them to know this, those of the big guys with the trash cans. So here's a summary of the key issues:
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ANTI-DUMPING. Many TV-watchers mistakenly believed the Americans were protesting the fact that Asian exporters sell steel and other materials at below-production prices. Hardly. The demonstrators didn't give a hoot about price, only quality. Protesters these days require firm materials -- steel bars, reinforced trash cans, etc. -- for smashing shop-front windows, cars, National Guardsmen and each other. Second-rate metals just won't do.
TRANSPARENCY. Critics say the WTO operates in an atmosphere of excessive secrecy. Why not require WTO delegates, as they introduce bills, to simultaneously hold up little signs that spell out exactly what the measures really mean? So when, for example, an American delegate introduces a proposal to pry open foreign entertainment markets, he or she would hold up a little placard saying: "Disney will steal your children's soul." With that sort of candor, no one could object.
CHILD LABOR. The protesters want tough legislation against infant workers. As a father, I'm not convinced. I require my kids to make their beds, tidy their rooms and tote several tons of bricks each day to the local kiln. In return I promise not to hit them too much. Most of the so-called "violators" in the Third World follow similarly humane procedures, so I don't really see the problem.
RAINFORESTS. Inhabitants are frankly sick of all the rain and want the U.S. to help. One idea would be to let them take shelter by massing under any regional defense shield the Americans employ in their area. Until then the West should export large quantities of desiccants and plastic storage bags to help at least cut some of the humidity, which can fog up mirrors and worse.
SEA TURTLES. Thousands of them were out in force in Seattle brandishing cheap Chinese steel rods. They're worried, it turns out, about getting caught in shrimp-fishing nets. One option would be to give each of them a pair of cheap Chinese scissors to cut their way out.
FRANKENFOODS. Personally I'd welcome seedless chickens and pizza that eats itself, but the protesters are probably right. If things go haywire, it's likely the only vegetable that would survive a genetically modified foods Armageddon is the lima bean: "the cockroach of the legume world."
CAPITALISM. Protesters held signs saying "Kill Capitalism." It's a timely message in light of the New Domino Theory gaining popularity all over the world. (South Korea is infected from the North, and goes communist. Japan is next, followed by ASEAN, etc.) The movement can't succeed, however, unless a vanguard like we saw in Seattle fights the good fight in capitalism's last bastion. Strive Diligently to Smash the Noxious Weeds of Trade!
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