FIRST ROUND
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(1) TAKUYA KIMURA Japan Fighting style: Praying mantis Strengths: Singing and dancing ability makes him suspiciously close to being talented Weaknesses: He's old enough to actually remember the '70s
(16) SALMAN AHMAD Pakistan Fighting style: Pankration Strengths: Killer guitar chops inspired by visions of Jimmy Page Weaknesses: In Pakistan, being a guitar hero ranks behind, say, being dictator
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(8) AISHWARYA RAI India Fighting style: Range fighting
Strengths: Histrionic acting skills will have competitors crying out for mercy Weaknesses: Despite what TIME sometimes says, Bollywood fare is not always that enjoyable
(9) HIDEAKI TAKIZAWA Japan Fighting style: Freestyle
Strengths: Beefed up his physique to play a boxer in a TV drama Weaknesses: He beefed all the way up to 50 kilos—or the size of Hrithik Roshan's lunch
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SECOND ROUND
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TAKUYA beats the Pakistani without lifting a well-manicured finger
That famed Bollywood endurance carries AISHWARYA to the second round
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FINAL FOUR
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The Bollywood diva huffs and puffs and preens, but TAKUYA just puts the S.M.A.P. down
Nicholas makes the fatal mistake of having his "chauffeur" take his place in the fight, and MUSUME wins
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CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
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In the semis, HRITHIK stomps all over the sissy boys of F4, while the 13 little girls of MUSUME send Takuya into ex-Prime Minister land
In an epic throwdown, the pelvic-thrusting prepubescents of MUSUME send Hrithik back to Bollywood and claim the idol championship
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(4) NICHOLAS TSE Hong Kong Fighting style: Slapping
Strengths: He's a photographer-slamming, Ferrari-crashing, girlfriend-dissing "bad boy" Weaknesses: Bad boys generally don't run away to Vancouver
(13) COGIE DOMINGO Philippines Fighting style: Filipino jujitsu
Strengths: In the Philippines, he's popular, tremendous, spectacular, the biggest star in the firmament Weaknesses: See above
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(5) MORNING MUSUME Japan Fighting style: Rhythmic gymnastics
Strengths: They could lose eight members and still outnumber 'N Sync Weaknesses: All those restraining orders against 60-year-old "fans" takes a financial toll
(12) FAYE WONG Hong Kong Fighting style: Listlessness
Strengths: As the girlfriend of Nicholas Tse, she can take abuse and keep on ticking Weaknesses: One bad haircut away from being replaced by Cecilia Cheung
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NICHOLAS pounds his Filipino opponent like he's a wayward paparazzo
Weighing in at a combined 624 kilos, MUSUME gives Faye the boot. 26 boots, actually
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(2) F4 Taiwan Fighting style: Shooto hair flick
Strengths: Can raise frenzied girl army with a toss of a single, well-manicured follicle Weaknesses: Paralyzing fear of male pattern baldness and mainland censorship
(15) PREAP SOVATH Cambodia Fighting style: Wajutsu
Strengths: Preap is prolific—he has recorded more than 10,000 songs Weaknesses: Unfortunately, they're available mainly on 8-track
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(7) KELLY CHAN Hong Kong Fighting style: Kung fu
Strengths: Overseas education gives her a cross-cultural edge Weaknesses: Given the economic state of Hong Kong, she will soon be replaced by a cheaper, mainland import
(10) KANG TA Korea Fighting style: Thai kickboxing
Strengths: Known to actually write his own songs, plus he has a name like a Star Trek villain Weaknesses: Easily distracted by reflective surfaces of any kind
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It's Killing Fields II as a primping F4 romp over their Khmer opponent
Kelly Chan wilts before the wrath (and undeniably catchy melodies) of KANG
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After pushing his prettiness to the max, H.O.T. Kang is O.U.T. and F4 wins
BoA gives the musical performance of her life. Then HRITHIK eats her
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(3) HRITHIK ROSHAN India Fighting style: Kalari
Strengths: Muscles gives him the girth of 50 Nicholas Tses. Weaknesses: Can't finish a fight in less than four hours and 12 musical numbers
(14) KRIS AQUINO Philippines Fighting style: Submission boxing
Strengths: As daughter of ex-President Cory Aquino, she has killer connections Weaknesses: Wants to be Oprah of the Philippines.
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(6) BoA Korea Fighting style: Oddly mesmerizing hip gyration
Strengths: She's currently considered the Britney Spears of Asian pop. Weaknesses: Did you see Crossroads?
(11) STEFANIE SUN Singapore Fighting style: Deadly smile
Strengths: Kilogram for kilogram, this ex-intern is the cutest idol Weaknesses: Kilogram for kilogram, if she were any smaller she could qualify as carry-on luggage
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Once again, an Aquino totally disappoints the Philippines as HRITHIK wins
In an ultralight-fly-featherweight throwdown, cute Korean BoA outshines the Sun
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