LIVING DIGITAL
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How To Do It
Ask Giles
Etiquette for the Digital Age
Dear Giles:
My boyfriend has literally all the 20th century's recorded music in his personal computer, from wax cylinders right up to MP3s. He's put the entire century on random repeat and plays it constantly. I think this primitive racket is starting to affect his mind.
— Concerned in Little Rock
Dear Little Rock:
We've created a patch that will edit out all the many thousands of 20th century pop tunes that are known to induce mental illness. Download and install it on your boyfriend's digital player. With an archive that size, he'll never notice.
Dear Giles:
My father-in-law's limo has an expert-system GPS navigator installed. Whenever my wife and I borrow it, the limo heads straight for bars, strip joints and pistol ranges. She thinks I'm the one setting these navigation parameters and gives me what for. What should I tell her?
— New Leaf in Salt Lake City
Dear Leaf:
It's a shame about the alcohol and handguns, but tell your wife to just get over her uptight, 20th century attitude toward nude dancers.
Dear Giles:
The other day I found a lost handheld. While I was trying to figure out the owner's name and address, I accidentally activated his automated day-trading program. The handheld had only $200 in it when I found it, but the software found a rapidly moving sector, rode it up and shorted it down, and came away with $20,000 in profits. What should I do?
— Lottery Winner in NYC
Dear Lottery Winner:
Fortunately for you, the sec hasn't caught up with the fast-paced intricacies of mobile day-trading yet. My advice? Download the cash, apply a large electromagnet to the handheld's memory, mail it back to the owner and head for Aruba.
Dear Giles:
I have received e-mail from the President of the United States. I feel that for propriety's sake I should address him as "Mr. President," but he insists that I call him "raul@whitehouse.gov." Also, he made a pass at me in hotchat. I don't know your country's customs very well, but isn't this peculiar?
— Flustered in Stockholm
Dear Flustered:
First, be sure your correspondent really and truly is the President. Frankly, that does pretty much sound like our guy. You should be cool if you stay on the far side of the Atlantic, but if you happen to fly over here, well, we sure hope you like media coverage.
