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REVIEWS AND HOW TOS
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Health: The Miracle Makeover
Dust off that dna and scrub those cells! Cosmeceuticals are the next wave in high-tech glamour — and you won't believe who's using them
Has there been a bloodless coup in the White House? Two years ago we elected a statesmanlike but elderly President. He had jowls, gray hair, bleary eyes, liver spots — to be honest, the President looked like Methuselah's grandpappy. Now, there's a smooth-cheeked, dark-haired, sharp-eyed and downright datable fellow swaggering around the Oval Office. What happened?
Cosmeceuticals happened, a marriage of cutting-edge biotechnology and good old-fashioned makeup. Cosmeceuticals are new pills, lotions, creams and gene-tailored parasites designed to build a younger, sexier you by re-engineering your basic biology. They literally fool your body into thinking it's young again.
Do they work? Well, it's no state secret that President Stafford is looking, feeling and acting friskier since last summer's makeover and rejuvenation at Bethesda Naval Reconstructive Hospital. No 67-year-old politician in history has ever looked this good. And believe it or not, you can get a "presidential edge" of your own by using the same products as the Commander in Chief does.
We asked Gunnar Hidalgo, President Stafford's personal physician (who looks 40, but confesses to 65) to reveal the President's secret. Dr. Hidalgo explained that there's no single magic pill that will avert the many symptoms of aging: it takes a regular and diversified regimen of treatments. "The war against aging is fought on multiple fronts," he says, "from the organismal to the sub-sub-cellular. You have to understand both the hardware and software of the human body, dig down into those systems and use the body's own tools to slow, or even reverse, the aging process."
So don't be afraid to hack your own metabolism. Just be methodical and find the cosmeceutical combination that's right for you. Then watch the hands of time turn back in no time at all!
ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEDICINES
SEXY DIVA(TM) Hormonal Hair Color4Men
Why You Want It: Chases your gray away — from the roots up
How It Works: Restarts hair growth, amps up pigment production in scalp follicles
The Downside: Hair may stiffen
DudeBot Men's Lip Restorer from Orchid-Lynx(TM)
Why You Want It: Restores suppleness, lifts unsightly wrinkles
How It Works: Lipid-absorbable rejuvenant gloss revitalizes oral mucous membranes
The Downside: Yogurt-like bitter aftertaste, partial numbness
Amalgamated Erotix(TM)Vitaminized Follicle Mites
Why You Want It: Restores thick lashes, dewy sclera; soothes bloodshot eyes
How It Works: Tiny gene-altered commensal organisms produce essential nutrients
The Downside: Tiny bugs are creepy and cost a fortune
Way New Spice Totally Organic Skin Tightener
Why You Want It: It's a face-lift in a bottle — pulls sagging skin taut in hours
How It Works: Modified flesh-eating bacteria carefully destroy one skin cell in five
The Downside: Excruciating pain
— by Rubi Crestglen
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