		Fields Of Dreams A look back at the tournament

		Seeing Red Red card after red card

		Win Or Lose You can see it in their faces

		Crowd Pleasers Brazil has fans like no other team

		Launch Party Glamor, spectacle in Munich

		Great Moments Scenes from World Cup history

		Fever Pitch Fans soak up the atmosphere

Email TIME

E-mail your letter to the editor

World Cup Blog | Bruce "Prof. Cranky" Crumley

Little (Irritating) Things That Make The World Cup Go Round

subscribe to TIME

Printable Version

email this story

Bruce Crumley: Read all his blog entries

Posted Monday, June 26, 2006; 15.32BST
Let's take a break from the solemn, stern-faced mullings habitually posted in this blog that provide readers with the most focused, balanced, salient football news, and instead open a fun little parenthesis with Professor Cranky's World Cup "What's Up With…?" list. In it, you'll find a few thoughtful observations that prompted Professor Cranky's reaction "What's up's with…?" So what, indeed, is up with ...

all these faux, gel-enforced wedge mohawk haircuts? Suddenly, half the males in

Previous Entries

Germany — and a large minority of those on the pitches — are sporting coifs that give the top of their melons the appearance of being savagely pinched-off. They look like the Army of Human-Sized tadpoles. Yeah, good look… Comb them down, boys.

the way referees are ostentatiously motioning barely jostled or entirely untouched attackers falling in the penalty area to get up, that there was no foul — play on? Whistle-dudes: if there's no foul in these cases, it means the offensive player took a dive. That's illicit simulation (and not even the flattering kind) which rules and FIFA recommendations require be sanctioned with a card. Lose the "Simon Says-meets-Macarena" arm origami and stop these cheaters from aborting real scoring drives in the hopes of gaining undeserved penalties. Book 'em, Dan-o.
this fad among German women that has them plucking their eye brows so thin you'd swear every female in the nation tried that "suck the butane from a lighter and spit it on a match" trick? "Thinning" is one thing; needing a magnifying glass on your noggin to invite people to verify, "yes, it's still there; it's just so thin you can't see it with the naked eye" is just whacked. After three weeks of this, women with less radical depilatory habits are going to look like they've got rolled-up carpets nailed to their foreheads.
Ronaldo suddenly becoming a scoring machine right when I'd become convinced his offensive impotence would let me get away repeatedly mocking him for being a tank? Okay, so let's compromise: if he breaks Gert Mueller's all-time World Cup goals scored record, I'll cheer him. Of course, rather than "gooooaaaal!", I shout "Sooooooooooeeeeeey!"
the way English referee Graham "God, I'm Horrid" Poll chases players he's about to book around as if they'd snatched his purse? Better yet, once he catches up, Poll then halts his dead run exactly three feet in front of his victim to assume this kind of statuesque "Eureka!" pose while holding the card aloft. I swear to God Kick them in the shins while you're at it, Graham — you freak.
the stadium music so loud it makes blood trickle from your ears. Creating ambiance is fair enough; using torture tactics they don't even dare on Gitmo inmates to make the crowd scream is another.
the lion and soccer ball mascot chums whose globetrotting video invites fans to follow them in embracing WC06 pop-muzak anthem's urging to "come together now". Has anyone else noticed how happy Football-y is at getting his leather backside kicked by old Simba all over Earth's main capital and landmarks? As someone who has experienced that kind of foot-to-tuchas kinetic locomotion from my wife, I can say with authority that anyone who gets a charge out of that is just sick.
fans of Switzerland — a nation with a total population of 46.8 million people — turning up in red-shirted tens of thousands to each and every match the Swiss team plays? How, for example, did the roughly 25,000-30,000 Switzerland fans who rocked a Stuttgart stadium (capacity 54,000) against France land all those tickets, when the mantra elsewhere in Europe has been how few tickets they were given compared to demand.
(and speaking of FIFA), what's with it stepping in to mediate the surreal protest by the Togo team, whose players refused to train or play unless their match bonuses were paid first? Quite kind of FIFA to play peacemaker and defuse the crisis by fronting the dosh until Togo's football federation could reimburse it. Problem is, in sticking to its self-defeating policy of giving only the minimalist canned spin it desires on any given topic, and by refusing to ask any additional questions put to it — in this case, the amount actually paid — FIFA has allowed rumor mongers to immediately go to work; the worst of them are now speculating that the bonuses-plus-some was shelled out — the additional cash, so it's fancifully claimed, to get the Togolese to take a bath against the French, and let the TV revenue-rich France get into the finals. Hey, Togo's out already anyway, so… It's all hog wash, of course, but exactly the kind of butt-scuttle that always arises from FIFA's communication tactics. When will it learn?
the Germans being commendable heath and environment sticklers when it comes to energy sources, recycling, and food regulations, but legally sucking down innumerable cigarettes in public places? By public, I mean "anywhere". If you're not a huge fan of smoke smell, you actually have to burn your clothes after spending the night in an open-air, roofless football. Imagine what enclosed spaces are like. The secondhand smoking effects on non-German visitors doubtless will be immediately noticed once they get home to loved ones, who will be cutting short reunion embraces to ask, "Woah! What, did you lick Chernobyl or something?"
the well-meaning Deutsche Bahn station attendants who seek to help post-match travelers make late night returns to their base camp cities by directing them to the absolute next train going to that destination, rather than the one that will get them there the fastest? Thanks to them (and YOUR PREFERRED DEITY GOES HERE love them for the full effort they are making to make our visit and/or work enjoyable), rather than being on a 11:38PM quick train from Dortmund to Dusseldorf, I am on the 11:29PM omnibus stopping at every tin-pot station as it snakes its way — no: snails its way — across northwestern Germany. That's why I have so much time to kill that I'd actually compile such an idiot list as this. And why the Professor is so deeply cranky ...

Printable Version

email this story

From the TIME archive

Search all issues of TIME Magazine

Indicates premium content

From CNN International

The Matches

Sun, July 9 – 20:00*
FINAL: Berlin


Italy	v	France
1 (5)		1 (3)

*local time (CEST)

	My Team

	Select a side to see all their matches

	Miss-quotes