Tuesday, Jun. 20, 2006

Outsmarted By The Flat-Pack-Four

I may not be much of a footy fan — I don't claim to know the difference between Sheffield Thursday or Charlton United — but you don't need to be a talented TV pundit to get frustrated with the performance of the England soccer side. Their 2-2 draw with Sweden tonight is a case in point. How can IKEA United, with its Flat-Pack-Four system, frustrate the finest sporting line-up that beer and soda sponsorship can buy? With consumate ease, it seems.

Twice, at my bijou pad in sunny south-east London, my family exaulted as the ball bulged in the back of the Swedenish fruit bag, and twice our eyes rolled up as the Norsemen reciprocated.

And you can't indulge in elaborate conspiracy theories as to why an English side managed by a Swede can't beat a Swedish team; we've been underachieving against Sven's home side since before we (apparently) won the World Cup in 1766. Besides, the Swedish physio is English; on that basis, he could at least have sprinkled horse laxative over the Swedes' half-time oranges. With form this mediocre, England have no chance against the likes of Germany, Argentina, Brazil or, it seems, even Team USA!

Still, what should I and my fellow Englanders expect? Our national pastime is snatching defeat from the jaws of victory (okay, so this time it was a draw). I'm beginning to think our only hope for this tournament is for Australia's Socceroos to do well, then we Brits can claim that they're just Englishmen by proxy: after all, they have a weird flag, they like copious amounts of beer and we still own their country, don't we?