Who Would Have Guessed?
A forward look at what made news this year
BY ADI IGNATIUS
 JANUARY
George W. Bush is sworn in as the 43rd President of the United States. He immediately puts his personal stamp on the institution by reading the oath of office as written: "I, NAME HERE, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States ... "
FEBRUARY
Increasingly concerned over prospects of an economic "hard landing," U.S. Federal Reserve boss Alan Greenspan cuts interest rates half a percentage point. Again his actions fail to revive the markets. For the first time in recent memory, nasdaq falls below the psychologically significant level of zero.
MARCH
Russian space officials launch the final journey of the much-maligned space station Mir (now sponsored by Anheuser-Busch Corp. and painted to resemble a can of Bud Light), setting it on course for a controlled collision with the earth's atmosphere. It misses.
APRIL
In a classic April Fool, Greenspan raises rates half a percentage point. Before investors see through the gag, share indexes nosedive along with Bush's approval rating. "What is wrong with these people?" an exasperated Fed chairman later asks. "It was a joke."
MAY
In a long-awaited development, China's Communist Party revises the official verdict on the 1989 Tiananmen massacre. Abandoning the previous designation of "counterrevolutionary turmoil," President Jiang Zemin appears on national television to read out the new official line: "Totally Li Peng's fault." Jiang also blames dissident Wei Jingsheng for the Nanjing massacre, former Hong Kong Governor Chris Patten for the Cultural Revolution and U.S. television journalist Mike Wallace for the Qing dynasty.
JUNE
Anna Kournikova hits a fine crosscourt backhand on her way to losing to Lindsay Davenport in the second round of the French Open. The determined Russian, dressed in skin-tight pink micropants and a matching T, electrifies the sellout crowd before finally succumbing 6-0, 6-0.
JULY
AOL Time Warner announces plans to merge with the euro. The troubled currency will become the exclusive scrip for all transactions involving the newly merged media empire, including AOL access, Time subscriptions and purchases of Miracle Foot Repair advertised on CNN. The currency, which shot up 20% on the announcement, will be known simply as the aoltweuro.
AUGUST
After months of negotiations, Bill Clinton finally succeeds at brokering a peace deal between the Israelis and the Palestinians. When he, Ehud Barak and Yasser Arafat emerge from their meeting room to announce the plan to the world, they realize they are no longer in office. The deal falls apart.
SEPTEMBER
Clearly troubled by the erosion of support for his ruling party, a fatigued Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad accidentally throws himself in jail. He emerges before the press a day later with a black eye, which his former deputy Anwar Ibrahim dismisses as "self-inflicted."
OCTOBER
Ever-trendy Tokyoites develop a sudden taste for European beef. With the toxins in fugu fish killing fewer and fewer daring diners each year, Japanese entrepreneurs liven things up by importing hundreds of thousands of "mad cows" for the latest in culinary Russian roulette.
NOVEMBER
Denouncing Americans' "irrational lethargy," Greenspan walks into the U.S. Treasury, empties its vaults and starts handing out cash on a street corner. While the latest Fed action fails to lift the economy, it does go a long way toward depleting America's cash reserves.
DECEMBER
When the U.S. Senate balks at funding his ambitious Theater Missile-Defense system, President Bush declares he will personally finance an alternative version. The scaled-down system will cover all of Washington, D.C. (with the exception of the Fed), as well as Kennebunkport, Maine and the entire state of Florida.
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The Year Ahead
- 2001: TIME's Fearless Forecast
- Viewpoint: Predictions
Politics
Business
Technology
Arts & Media
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