TIME EUROPE
APRIL 24, 2000 VOL. 155 NO. 16
VIEWPOINT
I Bled For This Column
By JOEL STEIN
I cannot wait to lather up my naked, hairy body in an inflatable pool full of testosterone gel. I have felt testosterone deficient since I was five, when, surrounded by female friends, I spent my days compiling my sticker collection, listening to the Annie sound track, baking in my Easy-Bake Oven and arranging my glass-animal collection. Peggy Fleming had a more masculine childhood than I did.
But I needed to know precisely how unmanly I am, so I went to my doctor to get my T count checked. Unfortunately, my doctor could not administer the test via saliva; he would need a blood sample. That made me consider canceling my appointment, which in and of itself delivered the result I needed. But I made the appointment anyway. In 48 hours I would know how much man was in me.
For a long time, I've overcompensated for my lack of manliness through sportswriting, porn watching and stock buying, but deep down I know I'm a little shy on T. I cannot yell at other drivers, raise my voice, pick up women in a bar or grow a full beard. All whiskey, no matter how expensive, just tastes like burning. Yet deep inside I long to sleep around, to kick some ass, to release my first rap album. As I saw it, I had little choice but to score some of that testosterone gel when it comes out this summer. I could keep it in my jacket pocket for emergency situations, next to my lip balm and antibacterial hand gel. I'm thinking about marketing this as a first-aid kit for wusses.
Waiting for my results, feeling especially insecure, I called my masculinity mentor, Adam Carolla, the host of Comedy Central's The Man Show. "I'm guessing you're a little light," Carolla said. He suggested that I sign up for the AndroGel now. "A little extra aggression, a couple of extra inches on the biceps, a little body hair could help you," he said. When I mentioned my concern about taking unprescribed medication, Carolla suggested that I just eat a lot of beef jerky. "I believe there is a lot of testosterone in jerky. That would be the most logical food to put it in, anyway." I suggested I might enjoy it more as a pasta with a light tomato-basil sauce, which I could market as "testosteroni." Carolla said he had to go.
Still anxious about my results, I called a former girlfriend, figuring she'd make me feel better. "I bet it's freakishly low," she said. "You're afraid of dogs; you once owned an Easy-Bake Oven; and you've never been much for fighting." Now I remembered there were good reasons our relationship didn't work out (one of them being that I told her about the Easy-Bake Oven).
After two neurosis-filled days, my doctor called and told me my testosterone level was totally normal. When I pressed him for a number, he said it was within the normal range of 260 to 1,000. When I really pressed him for a number, he told me it was 302. When I started to freak out about being in the bottom 10%, he again reassured me that it was completely normal. Yeah, normal in that I don't have breasts.
One of my female friends tried to comfort me, saying that women may have hot, wild flings with high-testosterone men, but they settle down with hormonally balanced guys. This did not make me feel better. You'd have to have a T count of 20 for this to make you feel any better. All I could think about was that now I have one less excuse for having an affair. Unless, of course, I'm all hopped up on man gel.
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April 24, 2000
COVER STORY
The Incredible Bulk
Testosterone, which can increase libido and help build muscles, will be available soon in easy-to-use gel form. But it can cause liver damage and prostate cancer. Why are people willing to risk their health for it?
Never Too Buff
A new book reveals a troubling obsession: how male self-worth is increasingly tied to body image
Viewpoint
Joel Stein worries about his testosterone
EUROPE
Blowing the Whistle on the Past
A former Czech political dissident hunts down communist-era secret police collaborators
Neither Here Nor There
Serbs who deserted the war in Kosovo are finding no welcome in the West
History Wins, Irving Loses
Controversial historian David Irving loses his libel suit and is branded a pro-Nazi falsifier of history
Viewpoint
Rich Westerners make poor advocates for their friends in the Third World
Viewpoint
Law enforcers must learn to move faster to snare global lawbreakers
MIDDLE EAST
Withdrawal Symptoms
Syria vacillates as Israel seeks world support for a plan to pull its troops out of southern Lebanon
Jews on Trial
An Iranian spy case undermines an ancient minority and a modern President
THE ARTS
The Rem Movement
Architecture is changing. The proof? Its biggest prize, the Pritzker, goes to a thinker rather than a pure designer
Performed with True Passion
The English National Opera brings Bach to vivid dramatic life
The End of Innocence
Ishiguro's new novel, When We Were Orphans, probes the wounds of vanished childhood
DEPARTMENTS
Techwatch
World Watch
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