CIAO ORLANDO, IT'S SHOWTIME

Hooray for Hollywood. Last Thursday the Los Angeles Lakers pulled off the biggest steal in the history of pro basketball: the team persuaded titan SHAQUILLE O'NEAL, 24, to leave the Orlando Magic and become a Laker for a seven-year, $121 million contract. The Olympic Dream Teamer promises his penchant for movie acting and rap recording will not get in the way of his primary objective: winning championships. "I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi and wear Reeboks." Hey, it's your planet, Shaq, so drink up.

DOWNEY GETS IN DEEPER

Friends and fans of actor ROBERT DOWNEY JR. (Chaplin) can only watch in despair as he continues to unravel. Less than a month after his arrest on drug and weapons charges, he was found asleep in a stranger's house a few blocks from his Malibu home. Lisa Curtis discovered the actor in her child's bed and called the police. Downey, 31, spent the night in a hospital jail ward. He left the next day wearing jail slippers and a hat fashioned from a T shirt. By week's end, damage control was in full swing: Downey had a new publicist, and his lawyer issued a mea culpa. "Mr. Downey has a problem. He's taking care of it," said Charles English. "The treatment program's under way."

ZORBA AT HIS PEAK

Youth is so overrated. Just ask ANTHONY QUINN, who at 81 exhibits considerable vigor. Last week the actor cursed out his estranged wife's lawyer during tough divorce talks. Quinn just celebrated the birth of his 13th child, the second by his former secretary, Kathy Benvin, 34 . Oh, those peaceful golden years.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

It's easy to be generous when you're the world's richest man. For his 50th birthday, the oil-endowed SULTAN OF BRUNEI (with wife No. 2 HAJJAH MARIAM) threw a $25 million bash that included three concerts by Michael Jackson. Then he opened a multibillion-dollar admission-free fun park as a gift to his 285,000 subjects. So what did the Sultan, who really does have everything, get? A chance to cut loose with wild-and-crazy pals like Britain's Prince Charles.