Marching With Scotland's Tartan Army Is Thirsty Work

By HARRY RITCHIE

"f there were a World Cup for fans," wonders the voiceover in a Coca-Cola commercial, "would you qualify?"

Well, yes, I certainly would. In fact if there were a World Cup for fans, my Scottish compatriots and I would reach the final, where we might even beat the joyful, canary-yellow samba bands of Brazil. Not only do we provide an extraordinary spectacle and a preposterous racket, but we're utterly dedicated to an irretrievably lost cause.

That's the great advantage that we Scots have over all the other fans in the World Cup--we must devote our patriotism, pride and passion to a team which is, in turn, devoted to not winning. Scotland has qualified for five of the previous six World Cups, and, in five of the previous six World Cups, Scotland has failed to progress beyond the first round. We have been beaten by Costa Rica and thrashed by Peru. We have even managed to concede two goals to the footballing might of New Zealand. When it comes to World Cup failures, Scotland is world-class.

Scottish fans first laid claim as the planet's great losers during the '78 World Cup, when thousands voyaged to Argentina (including one group which according to Scottish tabloid reports tried to make the Atlantic crossing in a decommissioned submarine) and witnessed a national humiliation. We lost to Peru and scraped a draw with Iran.

Fortunately, we Scots had already honed our skills of passionate and futile dedication in the annual "friendly" match against England. I made my own debut for Scotland's Tartan Army in the '70s when I joined my compatriots at Hampden Park in Glasgow to take part in the infamous "Hampden Roar"--the sound of 120,000 people screaming for vengeance against the perfidious, arrogant English. During that debut match, I also took part in the less famous, but equally spectacular, "Hampden Silence," after our traditional goalkeeping blunder ensured a 0-1 defeat.

Further traumatizing defeats, both at Hampden Park and in London at Wembley Stadium, provided me with invaluable match experience so that I soon knew what it takes to be a member of the Tartan Army--basically, drinking an unfeasible amount of whisky. During the '82 World Cup, when Scotland was knocked out by the Soviets, the Tartan Army marched into the stadium in Malaga under a huge banner which billed the clash as "Communism vs. Alcoholism." At Italia '90 when the authorities banned the sale of alcohol on match days, canny Scots stockpiled a mountain of oranges injected with vodka.

There are very good reasons for the Tartan Army's reliance on strong drink. Nobody could support Scotland sober. Not even the massively deranged could wear the Tartan Army uniform without being pie-eyed. The regimental headgear is a joke tam-o'-shanter decorated with orange dreadlocks. Battle dress consists of several tartan scarves, a Scotland team shirt (or during arctic conditions, no shirt at all) and a kilt. And yes: wearing a kilt really, honestly, truly does require the spurning of underwear.

The pressure on us to be benevolent is relatively recent and stands in marked contrast to the '70s, when 90,000 infantrymen of the Tartan Army laid waste to London every two years, most memorably in 1977, when 90,000 Scots celebrated a rare Wembley victory by invading the pitch--and removing it. But those--how can one put this?--boisterous days disappeared, thank goodness, as soon as English skinheads began to export their own noisome brand of hooliganism. To demonstrate our difference from, and superiority to, these English hoodlums, we had to start partying nicely. Every time the lads of St. George wrecked a ferry or ruined a plaza, we had to party even harder.

For, together with professional benevolence, the alcohol poisoning and the be-kilted flashings, there is one more qualification demanded of the Tartan Army's recruits--a profound hatred of the English. This also means that supporters of Scotland have to be fervent supporters of whoever is playing the English. We retain a special affection for the Germans, who have shown a happy knack for beating England on penalties. This World Cup we have high hopes for the other teams in England's group--Romania, Colombia, Tunisia. Fine, beautiful countries all, and they can count on the manic backing of the Tartan Army.

But isn't this Schadenfreude unworthy of a World Cup, which is supposed to be a heartwarming celebration of football? Unfortunately, only the fans of the eventual winners will return home with warm hearts. Supporters of the other teams will have to cope with the misery, heartbreak and trauma that come with defeat.

Which is why Scottish fans are world beaters. When it comes to putting a brave face on despair and defeat, we're simply the best. Heaven help us, if Scotland somehow manage to win a match.

Harry Ritchie, a lifelong Raith Rovers and Scotland fan, is a writer and broadcaster living in London

WHO'S PLAYING WHOM?

FIRST ROUND June 10 - 24

Group A-- Odds
Brazil-- 11/4
Morocco -- 250/1
Norway -- 28/1
Scotland -- 125/1

Scotland would be thrilled to get into the second round

Group B -- Odds
Austria -- 150/1
Cameroon -- 150/1
Chile -- 66/1
Italy -- 6/1

Italy has a habit of starting poorly, then going on to win

Group C -- Odds
Denmark -- 50/1
France -- 11/2
Saudi Arabia -- 250/1
South Africa -- 150/1

France may benefit by playing in front of home crowds

Group D -- Odds
Bulgaria -- 50/1
Nigeria -- 28/1
Paraguay -- 80/1
Spain -- 14/1

Spain has never won a World Cup, but this could be the year

Group E -- Odds
Belgium -- 80/1
Netherlands -- 9/1
Mexico -- 100/1
South Korea -- 250/1

The Belgium-Netherlands rivalry will produce high tension

Group F -- Odds
Germany -- 7/1
Iran -- 250/1
USA -- 200/1
Yugoslavia -- 25/1

The Iran-U.S.A. match looks like a political showdown

Group G Odds
Colombia -- 50/1
England -- 8/1
Romania -- 40/1
Tunisia -- 250/1

Romania is the seeded team, despite England's better odds

Group H Odds
Argentina -- 9/1
Croatia -- 40/1
Jamaica -- 200/1
Japan -- 250/1

It's Jamaica's first time, and they are just happy to be there

ROUND OF SIXTEEN June 27 - 30

Match 1 First in A vs. second in B

Match 2 First in B vs. second in A

Match 3 First in C vs. second in D

Match 4 First in D vs. second in C

Match 5 First in E vs. second in F

Match 6 First in F vs. second in E

Match 7 First in G vs. second in H

Match 8 First in H vs. second in G

QUARTERFINALS July 3 - 4

Q1 Match 1 winner vs. Match 4 winner

Q2 Match 2 winner vs. Match 3 winner

Q3 Match 5winner vs. Match 8 winner

Q4 Match 6 winner vs. Match 7 winner

SEMIFINALS July 7 - 8

Q1 winner vs. Q3 winner

Q2 winner vs. Q4 winner

THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF July 11

Losers of the Semifinals

FINALS July 12

Winners of the Semifinals

Source: Odds from Ladbrokes Racing Limited - odds are subject to fluctuation