Inside The Church's Closet

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Bishop Wilton Gregory, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, has expressed concern that seminaries foster a "homosexual atmosphere or dynamic that makes heterosexual young men think twice" about entering them. But seminaries vary tremendously, depending on the time and place. Whereas Pinkerton says he never noticed a "gay subculture" during his student years in the 1970s, a New Jersey priest who attended a Chicago seminary around the same time has more colorful memories: "It was a pretty wild, free-for-all place. If you went into any of the gay bars, you were bound to meet a priest or seminarian there." Meanwhile, at St. Patrick's, Sellars says the atmosphere is one of serious study, where only close friends know one another's orientation. Jokes seminarian Ron Zanoni, 46: "There's no culture at all. Forget about subculture."

But the greater challenge--for gay and straight priests--comes in life after seminary. Living in a rectory, says the Rev. Jim Morris, can be a desperately lonely experience. "You share some of your parishioners' most important moments--birth, marriage, death--and at the end of the day, you lock the door, and you are by yourself." Morris, 51, spent six years as the associate pastor at Our Lady of Lourdes in Queens Village, N.Y. In 1995 he found himself in love and took a leave of absence to live with his partner. He continues to act sacramentally, though, celebrating Mass for a group of gay New York Roman Catholics, presiding at funerals for former parishioners and hearing confessions. "Yes, I am breaking a promise by not being celibate," he says. "But the promise has become meaningless to me. As long as my community demands my services, I will be there."

Pinkerton, who now has a private therapy practice and leads a support group for current and former clergy, is still a priest. He celebrates Mass occasionally in his home, as he did last week with a few friends to mark the 25th anniversary of his ordination. He is uncharacteristically sheepish when he talks about "celebrating" such an event. "There is a certain sadness. I ask myself, Is this a failure? Did I just want it all?"

Several weeks ago, Pinkerton got together with old friends--a couple who have two children, now grown. He had been close to their son, whom he used to take to Yankees games. Now, over dinner, just as he had once told them he was gay, he made another sudden declaration: "I told them, 'I want you to know, I never touched your children.'" They looked at him like he was crazy. But in the glare of the spotlight, he says, he is guilty until proved innocent.