A Working Mother's Day, from A to Z

A mother in Boston was feeling guilty, as mothers do. Her daughter had told her she was the only mom who never took her kid to Brownies. Now that probably wasn't true, but it is the child's role to make the mother feel bad about things she hasn't done enough, as well as things she simply hasn't done. So the day of the next Brownie meeting, Mom got to the office early, rushed through her tasks, then made an excuse and left. She drove across town like Sandra Bullock in Speed. Arriving at the Brownie meeting, Mom sat down and basked for a few moments in a glow of satisfaction. It was then that she noticed the Brownie leader looking at her. "It's lovely to see you, Mrs. Johnson," the woman said. "But maybe next time you could bring your daughter as well?" "I forgot the kid," recalls the mom. "Can you believe it, I forgot the kid!"

Millions of mothers can believe it. A survey asked British mums who work outside the home what they would most like for Mother's Day. And what did they reply? Flowers? Chocolates? Dinner in Paris? No, what 72% wanted was this: a little bit of time to myself. The study also revealed that two-thirds were too exhausted to have sex and most felt they had tougher lives than their mothers'. And their moms didn't have to contend with the avalanche of parental-advice books. There you are thinking you're doing a pretty good job, when along comes an author explaining how, with a bit more effort, little Jake can be turned into Leonard Bernstein. Or Donald Trump. Or both. What these books presume is that parenting is a science, when in fact it falls somewhere between an art and a combat zone. What they never take into account is the frazzled woman who is leading a double life--trying to be a good mother while having to pretend at work that she doesn't have kids at all. Here, for those heroically divided souls, I present the Mother's Alphabet:

APPLE PIE. A symbol of motherhood, but you probably have no time to make one. Purchase a pie, put it in the oven till authentically burnt at the edges, then sprinkle on sugar for that "homemade" look.

BABY. Deceptively helpless creature with remarkable hidden powers. Initially nocturnal, though compensates by making the world thrillingly new for adults, when they are sufficiently awake to notice.

CHOCOLATE. Often mistaken for luxury item; in fact, an indispensable tool of child rearing. Messiness/obesity factor far outstripped by efficacy as bribe.

DELEGATE. I know you're a woman and can do everything around the house better than anyone else, but if we don't let them try, how are they going to learn? And no, it's not a total disaster if Dad dresses the kids so they look like Eminem.

EDUCATIONAL. The word you use when your mother-in-law asks why the kids are watching so many videos.

FOOD. A food is not necessarily essential just because your kid hates it. Spinach can wait.

GUILT. Is to motherhood what rain is to Seattle. It's the prevailing climate. Carry an umbrella and make the most of occasional sunshine.

HUSBAND. A well-meaning individual often found reading a newspaper. Believes that when the toilet paper runs out it is restocked by the Toilet-Paper Fairy.

IRRITABLE. What do you mean, irritable? Who are YOU CALLING irritable!