Reluctant Loners

• Share

Alexander was a voracious reader of history books, especially those about his favorite period, the Middle Ages. He played Brahms and Bach on the cello and was accomplished at tennis, swimming and skateboarding. In fact, it seemed the only thing the 10-year-old couldn't do easily was make friends. "I was really quiet; I didn't talk to classmates a lot; and it seemed as if a lot of kids were sort of pushing me away. I was very lonely," says Alexander, now 13. (Like other youngsters interviewed for this story, he asked that his real name not be used.) Seeking a way to help her son out of his growing isolation, Alexander's mother sent him to Peer Play Groups, a New York City-based program that works with children who are socially awkward. In weekly, one-hour sessions, Alexander learned ways to interact with kids his own age. "They taught me how to have fun, how to talk with other people at school," he says. "Now I'm not so quiet anymore."

It can be heartbreaking for parents to learn that other children don't like or won't play with their children. And being left out or labeled a geek can be even more devastating for those youngsters. The common wisdom used to be that such children were just shy and would grow out of it. Many did, some didn't, but nearly all suffered unnecessary loneliness and rejection. Spurred by a growing awareness of social-anxiety disorders in children and research that shows ways they can be helped, more and more parents, pediatricians and schoolteachers are turning to local programs like Peer Play Groups to teach social and emotional skills. They see them as a way to assist otherwise mainstream kids in overcoming the excruciating pain of feeling left out.

In New York City, Peer Play Groups, which opened in 1993 and is run by former school psychologist Andrew Cohen and social worker Sandra Greenbaum, has seen its enrollment rise from 30 to 80 kids in the past two years. Ginny Strock, co-owner of FriendSmarts, which runs social-skills groups in and around Palo Alto, Calif., says her practice has grown fivefold since it began in 1996. "Parents and teachers are realizing that these skills are as important as knowing how to read and that with coaching and lots of practice, kids can improve significantly," says Strock.

The groups are typically small, with a maximum of five kids. A session costs around $80 a child; on average, kids go weekly for one year, although some, like Alexander, choose to stay longer. Peer Play Groups works with youngsters 5 to 13, and Cohen and Greenbaum carefully screen families, which are referred by teachers, doctors or friends, to weed out children with severe behavioral disorders. The goal is to balance each group with kids who are outgoing and those who are withdrawn. To help them address the difficulties they face--being teased or bullied at school, feeling excluded from playground activities, eating lunch alone--a board or card game is the anchor of every session. For older kids, the game may give way entirely to a freewheeling discussion about what's going on in their lives and how they're handling their families and friendships. For younger children, games like Uno and Candy Land provide vehicles in which social obstacles--like bossiness, excessive compliance or intense competitiveness--naturally emerge.