Reluctant Loners

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In a session of four kindergartners, for example, one boy laughed as another had to draw undesirable cards in a game of Uno. When the laughing boy found himself in the same unhappy position a few minutes later, Cohen pointed out how nice it was that the earlier object of his ridicule was not laughing at him now. "We give them solutions, different strategies for playing well together," says Greenbaum. "We empower them with ways to solve the problem that take both people into account, like understanding that sometimes you win and sometimes you lose and neither is that big a deal."

Perhaps the biggest advantage the groups offer is the all important feeling of not being alone. Experts say this sense of belonging makes it easier for socially unskilled kids to interact confidently with others. "They feel safe trying out strategies in the groups, where they are totally accepted," says FriendSmarts' Strock. "It then makes it easier to test the skills outside." The most useful advice often comes not from an authoritative therapist but from the other kids. For John, a 10th-grader from San Jose, Calif., who was incessantly bullied in middle school, sharing stories and strategies with groupmates at FriendSmarts changed his perspective about how to behave in school. He says he used to try to start conversations by telling someone too much about himself too quickly. "That never worked," he says. "But when I just relaxed and only said a little bit, it worked so much better. It was really cool."

Similarly, when Alexander found that no one was interested in talking about the Middle Ages, he asked his groupmates at Peer Play Groups for recommendations. They advised him to initiate conversations, laugh a bit more and think of topics other kids might be interested in. "It didn't work the first time, but the second time it went well, and now it works great," Alexander says. "Now I have a group of kids I have lunch with every day. We make up weird songs, talk about music or what we're doing for the summer. For some reason, it seems, they even look up to me."

Despite such success stories, many families feel there's a stigma attached to attending a social-skills group, and most keep their participation quiet. A parent of a Manhattan kindergartner admits she "had to work through some shame" about her son's involvement. But overall, the positives clearly outweigh any embarrassment for many kids. "They know they're unhappy, that they're not good at connecting to people, and they love coming. It's like a lifeline for them," says Peer Play Groups' Greenbaum. A very affectionate third-grader who alienated classmates by standing too close when she spoke or hugging them at inappropriate times was so delighted with her group that she mentioned it to a classmate who was awkward and being ostracized. The boy got his parents to enroll him and, says the girl's mother, he is "doing really well now."