Punchlines: Mar. 28, 2005
"Mel Gibson has re-released The Passion. A very powerful movie. It's basically the same movie, just six minutes shorter. What they did was take out the coffee and dessert at the Last Supper." --DAVID LETTERMAN
After a clip of Ted Kennedy explaining why he canceled a meeting with the political leader of the Irish Republican Army, saying he knew when "to hold 'em and when to fold 'em": "There you have it. Years of religious turmoil boiled down to a Kenny Rogers lyric." --JON STEWART
"We haven't been able to find out who shot Tupac or Biggie, and we haven't been able to find Osama. So far, the only two criminals we've been able to catch are Martha Stewart and Chong." --JIMMY KIMMEL
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MITCH MCCONNELL, Senate Republican leader of Kentucky, on the health care bill that Democrats can now pass after securing a 60th vote from Sen. Ben Nelson Saturday
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