Punchlines: May 2, 2005

"Usually when I see a German guy on a balcony with an adoring throng underneath him, it tends to make me a little nervous." --DENNIS MILLER

"A man in West Bend, Wis., bought a shirt at the local Goodwill store and found $2,000 stuffed in the pocket. That's pretty amazing--$2,000 stuffed in the pocket. The more amazing part: How did one of Tom DeLay's old shirts wind up in Wisconsin?" --JAY LENO

"Papal Election Brings End to Worldwide Unsupervised Catholic Sin Binge" --fake news headline from THE ONION

"[Michael Jackson's defense team] is expected to call a number of famous people to the stand. Joan and Melissa Rivers will work the red carpet in front of the courthouse. Paris Hilton will be there--not because she's involved in the case. She just likes to be seen." --JIMMY KIMMEL

"I gotta tell you how wrong I was about this whole thing as far as the Pope. I had my money on Lieberman."  --JON STEWART