Punchlines: May 16, 2005

• Share

"Alaska Senator Ted Stevens is seeking to apply the same decency standards the FCC applies to network broadcast television to cable television. To which many erudite, knowledgeable people are responding, 'F___ that guy.' That was a quote from Socrates."

--JON STEWART

"Laura Bush was a big hit at the Washington Correspondent Dinner. This is something new for the Bush family--intentional comedy ... Laura described herself as a desperate housewife whose husband goes to bed too early. To which Hillary Clinton replied, 'That must be nice.'"

--JAY LENO

"In honor of Cinco de Mayo down in Washington, Tom DeLay is accepting all bribes in pesos."

--DAVID LETTERMAN

"Arizona man steals Bush's identity, vetoes bill, meets with Mexican President"

--Fake news headline from THE ONION

"Angelina Jolie has been serving as a U.N. ambassador. This week she met with the Prime Minister of Pakistan. Jolie wasn't able to get money for refugees, but she was able to break up the Prime Minister's marriage."

--CONAN O'BRIEN