Bitter Passage

(4 of 4)

Waddle argues, without a hint of disingenuousness, that he may have been regarded too highly by his men. Says he: "I so truly believed in my professional ability, and I believed in my men so much, and they also believed in me. It was that relationship that led to my demise. Because when I said I didn't see anything [during the periscope search for shipping before the Feb. 9 collision], there was nothing there--that was the truth for them."

That is where the tragedy began. After his fire-control technician, Patrick Seacrest, had failed to realize the Ehime Maru's proximity, and after his officer of the deck, Lieut. Michael Coen, had scanned the sea with the periscope, Waddle took the scope and did a search. "When I looked out to Oahu I could see the peaks of the mountains and then a white belt. I thought, 'That's odd--I've never seen that before.'" The white haze made the small white hull of the Ehime Maru hard to distinguish. Waddle did not linger, though, since he was eager to impress his guests. He ordered the ship to dive deep and then rocket back up to the surface. In retrospect he concedes he was pushing ahead too quickly. "I didn't give the men the time they needed to do their jobs. I was so confident in my abilities and what I had seen, I was convinced the ship was safe to carry out those maneuvers." None of his men challenged him.

This is what recurs in his nightmares--the lack of control. "I am back on the ship, but I am not captain, and there is no captain in command." Some nights he cannot sleep at all, lying awake in a cold sweat, holding his wife Jill.

During the day, Waddle is now completely at the mercy of the Navy's disciplinary system; during the night, of his own tortured memories of seeing nine people die. In the early hours of the morning he decided to testify at the Navy inquiry, Waddle opened the Bible. He had avoided reading the entire Book of Job until then. "When I finished reading Job, I knew there was something for me too. That was my most peaceful night--it was as if some inner peace had come upon me. It took me 40 years to be comfortable with who I am. I always worked hard to be accepted by my peers, and I thought it was my destiny to go to war. But maybe my battle lies elsewhere."

Scott Waddle knows his career in the Navy is over. He leaves with the taste of defeat in his mouth and a pall of sadness over his head. Like Job, he has lost almost everything. But he is still popular in the Navy--sailors he has never met on Hawaii come up to him to shake his hand and express their support for him. "When I die," he says, "I know I will be judged for all of my life, not just for one event." And he still has his dignity. He knows nobody can take that away from him, however he is judged.