Sexes: The Scarlet Lady Fades to Pink

Susan K. has a good job, sturdy feminist principles and no interest, at the moment, in getting married. She also has a married lover, which makes her the prototype of The New Other Woman in Sociologist Laurel Richardson's book of that name (Free Press; $17.95). The old-fashioned mistress was usually depicted as a skulking and tragically trapped figure, racked by guilt. The newer version, born of feminism and the sexual revolution, says Richardson, is more blasé and confident about her life. "First of all, she doesn't want to get married, doesn't want to husband-steal," Richardson explains. "There are other things she wants to do. She feels in charge of her life. The stigma is not gone, but it's fading. She's not the scarlet woman anymore. Call her the pink woman or something like that."

Richardson, 47, a professor at Ohio State University, is married and says she has never served as anyone's Other Woman, old model or new. She got interested in the topic when one of her students, involved with a married man, asked about the research on the subject. "There wasn't any, so I did a study myself," says Richardson, who talked to 700 Other Women, 55 of them at some length.

In general, she found, the Other Woman of today is either pursuing a promising career or trying to get past the turmoil of a divorce. A majority of Richardson's women had been married once and had had affairs with older men, often a mentor or a boss. A few entered into affairs cynically to get ahead at the office. Others wanted to experiment sexually with a disposable partner. But most seemed to drift into sexual relationships with a man they had previously pigeonholed as a friend, not a lover. By convincing themselves that the man would somehow remain merely a friend, these women even managed to gloss over sexual intercourse. The first act of sex, Richardson writes, can be rationalized as "a temporary aberration that does not alter the original basis of the relationship."

Richardson thinks that these mental gymnastics result from women being taught to avoid conflict and keep relationships running smoothly. This, writes the author, "may mean ignoring or overlooking discordant messages, and taking the blame for any misunderstandings." One woman in Richardson's study, who regularly went to a disco with her boss, convinced herself that the relationship was purely a business one.

Richardson's women had some trouble keeping matters carefree and cool. "They started out thinking they were going to be safe," she says. "Then they got caught, and they ended up caring about him." Richardson found that this happened even to veteran Other Women on their third or fourth affair. The single woman who falls in love with a married man often creates a private culture of shared jokes, "month-iversaries," and a scrapbook or photo album that takes on a "semi-sacred" character by affirming a relationship that cannot be made public.