My Roving Barcalounger

We did it. With less than two months to go until our second child is scheduled to arrive, my husband and I swallowed our pride, plundered our savings and joined the much ridiculed ranks of minivan owners. It had to be done. Neither of our old vehicles had what it takes to handle two car seats, two parents, the odd grandparent and the sheer tonnage of baby paraphernalia required for even quick trips to the grocery. Still, it took multiple visits to the dealership before I came to terms with the sociological enormity of what we were about to do. In America, you are what you drive. And as everyone knows, cruising around in a shiny new minivan definitively announces to your fellow road warriors, "I am an unabashed suburban breeder."

But, hey, I'm a big girl. I can sacrifice a little hipness for the sake of my offspring. Besides, whatever my new midnight-blue ride lacks in exterior flash it more than makes up for with interior luxuries: huge leather seats, lightning-quick seat warmers, individual climate control, DVD player, satellite radio, five-CD changer, three power outlets for my cell phone, "conversation mirror" (to facilitate chats with backseat passengers), voice-activated navigation system and, of course, 15 cup holders for those mornings when I feel the need for several different flavors of Frappuccino. Throw in a wet bar and a shower massage, and I can't foresee the need to leave my vehicle ever again.

But as snug as I feel in my rolling rec room, I have started to wonder if maybe it offers a few more bells and whistles than are prudent. Should there really be a mirror designed to shift my gaze from the road to my traveling companions? And while the DVD player takes the edge off long trips with my 2-year-old son, I can't shake this feeling that it's only a matter of time before I plow into a busload of schoolkids while struggling to cue up SpongeBob SquarePants. My navigation system, meanwhile, not only can locate the five nearest Chinese restaurants from any point in the continental U.S. but will also remind me that I have a noon dental appointment and that I need to pick up the cat's antifungal cream before the vet closes at 6. Cool? Absolutely. But also utterly distracting.

As if Americans weren't scary enough behind the wheel, our cars are becoming as diversion-packed as our homes. Customizers have started installing TV screens in the front seat of vehicles, allowing drivers to watch movies as they weave in and out of rush-hour traffic. If you think some jerky lawyer yammering on his cell phone is a road hazard, just imagine how deadly he'll be while watching Braveheart at the same time.