Chico, I'm The Man

I can't begin to explain why Al Gore decided to undertake a stint as a journalism professor, though if I tried, I'm sure the phrase "trying to look busy" would be used. But I know why I did it: to give back to the children. Last Tuesday, as Gore was guided through the halls of Columbia on his first day, I walked around California State University, Chico, looking for the journalism department, where I had agreed to serve as a distinguished visiting professor for two days. I took the gig because after three years at TIME, I felt it was my duty to give back some of the deep journalism knowledge I've acquired. I also figured I had a better shot with college girls now that I had a job.

I had some trouble easing into the teaching mode, especially since the first class in which they had me lecture was Ethical Problems in Mass Media. I even struggled through the classes on magazine journalism. Many of the students seemed obsessed with things like "reporting" and "facts" and "writing about other people." I tried to put an end to that kind of outmoded thinking. "No one recognizes those two Watergate reporters," I told them, "but I think we can all picture Andy Rooney."

Not that I noticed, owing to my distinguishedness, but the students at Chico are very good-looking, as evidenced by the fact that the school was once rated the top party school in the nation by Playboy. This may explain why Bob Dole fell off a podium when he spoke here.

My distinguished visiting professorship culminated in a speech I gave to about a hundred students--a turnout I was very proud of until I asked for a show of hands from those getting extra credit for being there. The speech, I learned from posters on campus, was called "Modern Magazines--Real News or Just a Lot of Chads?" I had no idea what this meant either. So I started off the lecture by saying yes, magazines were now indeed just a lot of chads and then spent the rest of the time talking about myself.

The students peppered me with insightful questions such as "What is Leonardo DiCaprio like?" and "Do you think you look like Harry Potter?" This made more sense after I found out that most of the students in the journalism department are actually majoring in public relations. Though the lines sometimes blur, I'm pretty sure journalism and p.r. are different disciplines. And how do you even teach p.r.? Once you've mastered the art of calling reporters during lunch so you can leave excruciatingly long messages on their voice mail, what more is there to learn? Admittedly, I don't read each issue of Lingua Franca cover to cover, but I don't remember seeing many articles titled "Returning the Gaze: The Semiotics of Flirting with Reporters."

After dwarfing Gore's schedule by teaching eight classes, holding two office hours and sharing one pint of Guinness with some students at a bar, I had a pretty good idea of what journalism school is like and why I won't be invited back. I'm not entirely sure it's a trade you can teach through academia. But I am sure that you can't teach public relations. Especially when your professors can't persuade a guy they invited to their school not to mock their livelihood in his column.