Fixing The Rift

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Laura Davis knows the pain of being estranged from a family member. She and her mother Temme grew apart after Davis confided that she had been sexually abused by her grandfather, Temme's father. "Some estrangements build like beads on a thread, one disappointment at a time," says Davis, 45. "That's how the relationship between my mother and me came unglued." But by the time Davis wrote I Thought We'd Never Speak Again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation (HarperCollins), a series of interviews with people who have been alienated from their families, her relationship with Temme had improved so much that she dedicated the book to her.

Peter Goldenthal, a psychologist in Philadelphia, has also experienced the problems of a rocky family relationship. He dedicated his book Why Can't We Get Along? Healing Adult Sibling Relationships (Wiley) to his younger brother Lance. "We fought physically when we were boys, and we argued a lot when we were young men," says Goldenthal, 53. "Now we argue once in a while, but the whole complexion of the relationship is different."

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It's hardly unusual to have family members who don't speak to one another. It even happens with the families in America's gossip columns, such as the Reagans, Jacksons and Judds. But as baby boomers get older, they start to seek reconciliation with their aging parents. And warring siblings who fear they'll be left with no close family relationships after the death of their parents are eager to reconcile with brothers and sisters. These two books suggest that simple communication skills can help mend the deepest estrangement.

Goldenthal counsels adopting a gentler tone with family members. "Even if you are one of the many people who are highly critical of yourself and other people, you can learn to [look] for things to praise and acknowledge" in your siblings, he says. People often feel free to treat family members in ways they would never treat their friends, he adds. "Many people don't believe that the Golden Rule applies to their families."

The simplest way to heal an old wound, advises Goldenthal, is to start with an apology. But if it were that easy, no one would need to buy books about estrangement. So Goldenthal suggests it's possible to acknowledge another's pain about the past without necessarily agreeing. He proposes such responses as "It must have been really awful for you'' or "You must have been terribly hurt for the memory to be so fresh today."

Not every estrangement can or even should be remedied. There may be major ideological differences too large to resolve. A relative may have serious emotional or substance-abuse problems that can't be overcome. Some survivors of childhood sexual abuse find reconciliation too painful. Writes Davis: "Time, distance and life experience can blur the edges of anger and blame, yet time alone does not guarantee the ability to let go." Both authors agree, however, that repairing the relationships is worth the effort because a rift can cause stress for the whole family--not to mention what it does to those carrying the grudge. As Kate Gillen, 48, recalled when interviewed by Davis, "Finally, I asked myself, 'Is this where I want my energy to go?' And I made a decision that no matter how justified I felt in my anger, staying in that bitter, hardened place was not something I wanted to do." Many who have hung up their boxing gloves would agree.