No-Fault Divorce

Chi

ld psychologist Judith Wallerstein has been studying divorced families for the past 30 years. The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, which she published in 2000, explored the long-lasting impact of broken marriages, and is now a classic in the field. Her new book, What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce (Hyperion), is a guide for parents on how to make the breakup easier for all members of the family. TIME recently spoke with Wallerstein:

In what way is divorce different for women than for men?

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In every way. First of all, 2 out of 3 divorces are sought by women. Second, most children are in the custody of their moms. Third, women, when they get divorced, know they really want to get away from Harry. What they don't realize is all that awaits them after the breakup — how much their role as a person will be different, how much their role as a parent is going to be different, and especially that they are going to be dealing with Harry for the rest of their life.

What are the financial consequences?

There are enormous financial ramifications, unless you divorce a big-time corporate president and you have a great lawyer. [Laughs.] Obviously, that happens, but in [most people's] real life, the woman is largely responsible for the economic support of her children, and child support doesn't really cover it. The middle-class woman doesn't get back to her former level until remarriage.

You write about the guilt that some mothers feel in divorce.

Women have an infinite capacity for guilt as moms. They're worried about their children at the time of the breakup. They're worried about what's going to be the short-term effect, the long-term effect. They have a sense that they're being less of a mother than they wanted to be. I really feel women have to overcome this, because nobody's perfect.

Some experts are continuing to say that divorce is bad for kids. How would you reply?

Well, divorce is hard on kids. Whether it's bad for kids, versus staying where they were, depends on why the people divorced and what happens in the post-divorce family. Divorce is much harder on kids than [being in] a good family, of course. But that doesn't mean that you have to say to yourself 10 years later that everything that happens to my son or my daughter is because of the divorce.

Do you think that a woman should ever stay in a marriage for her kids?

There's no good time to divorce, but there are two times I would identify as the most vulnerable times for the child. One is when you have a very young child, either a baby or a toddler. Children at that time need real continuity of physical care and some opportunity to attach to both parents. Unless it's unbearable, I think it would be better to wait. And early adolescence is a time when the biological drives of sexuality and aggression rise, a time when a child needs a strong, stable family that can really exercise judgment, which the kids often don't have. If you can postpone the divorce until your daughter or your son is 14, it's better than doing it at 12 or 13.

How frank should parents be with their children about the reason for the divorce?

I think we've been giving parents the wrong advice. Children would feel much better, and they wouldn't carry this sense of "My own relationships are going to fail" into adulthood — children of divorce marry less and divorce more — if parents prepared their children by being honest with them. Not giving them bedroom details of sexual infidelity, but being honest with them about what caused the breakup. Divorce isn't in the genes; divorce is an avoidable human error. There's a high potential for damage, but I don't think we've helped parents help their children avoid it.