Joint Custody Blues

Nob

ody said raising kids after a divorce would be easy. But for Chuck Kabat, 38, a father of two from Dedham, Mass., it's a daily test. With his ex-wife Cathy living four blocks away and the two taking turns caring for their kids every few days, Kabat often gets frustrated. "For the first year, I felt completely out of control," he explains. "There were so many things to keep track of: How do I get them to soccer? Where do I find child care? Did they go potty before bedtime?" But the hardest part, even two years after the divorce, is keeping his cool with his ex.

"There are days when I want to just scream from the rooftops, 'How did this happen and why?'" Kabat says. "I've become a master at learning how to count to 10 when I get angry. But I don't have much choice except to behave with as much integrity and character as I can, because even though the marriage failed, we can make the divorce succeed, especially where the children are concerned."

A lofty goal and one all can agree on: do what's best for the kids. But what about the parents' well-being? Having to cooperate in a shared-custody arrangement after an acrimonious split can be exhausting, infuriating and interminably stressful. Yet joint custody is rapidly becoming the norm in the U.S., displacing the old-fashioned model of awarding custody to mothers. The arrangements vary. Joint legal custody means parents make shared decisions over major issues like education and medical treatment regardless of where the children live. Joint physical custody, which is steadily becoming the preferred arrangement in many states, is when kids divide their time between Mom's place and Dad's place, usually with at least a 70%-30% split. While custody laws vary widely by state, the trend in Wisconsin is probably typical: in 1981 joint physical custody was awarded in just 2% of divorce cases involving children; by 1998 the figure was 23%.

All around the country, more kids find themselves shuttling between quietly seething — or outwardly warring — parents. Mom has to raise her darling baby boy with her bitterest enemy. Dad has to negotiate ballet pickups and preteen dating policies with an ex he would rather forget. According to Isolina Ricci, author of the groundbreaking book Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Childpublished in 1980, shortly after joint custody entered the legal system10% to 12% of divorcing parents continue to be hostile after their marriage is over. Today, she says, "learning how to navigate joint custody has become a difficult but necessary rite of passage for many people trying to get past their divorce experience."

Often that translates into bickering over who bought the last pair of shoes or who took the kids to McDonald's one too many times. Others fight about more serious matters. Armin Brott's disputes with his ex-wife over religion and lifestyle mean that at Mom's house, his two daughters keep kosher as Orthodox Jews, but they drive on the Sabbath and eat vegetarian while at Dad's. Despite using a mediator, the two have trouble avoiding clashes. At first, says Brott, "all I wanted was for her to disappear into a hole in the ground, but here she is, every other day. I still sometimes have to restrain myself from yelling."

"Raising kids with joint custody means you have to stay in constant communication with a person you either a) hate, or b) still love and are therefore crushed, or c) both hate and love," explains Judy Corcoran, co-author of Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex. "There's still anger, jealousy, hurt and fear that doesn't disappear just because the marriage ended. And those feelings are constantly reignited with every disagreement and drop-off."