We're Divorced. No, Really

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Perhaps. But Harvard's Kauffman wonders if something else might be at work. If new romantic interests repeatedly tell you that you're not emotionally available to them, Kauffman advises, "it pays to ask yourself some hard questions."

Many experts believe that a clear separation immediately after the divorce provides a better foundation for healthy relations over the long term. "Sometimes it's necessary to keep contact minimal while you process the divorce and move on," says Courtney Knowles, a spokesman for the Equality in Marriage Institute. Clear boundaries, authorities agree, are critical. Be friendly, they say, but not friends.

One of the hardest demarcations for exes to negotiate is how to share the joys of parenthood. It's great when divorced parents can both attend the school play or the soccer tournament, says Lauren Solotar, chief psychologist at the May Institute in Norwood, Mass., "as long as they don't exclude their new partners." Calling your ex flush from a child's triumph, she explains, is the kind of intimate thing you do when you're married. You should be calling your current partner first.

Sally Bjornsen, author of The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife, learned that lesson firsthand. Early in her marriage, she envied the bond her husband and his ex-wife felt over their children. "It took a couple of years before he really shared his kids with me," she says. Divorced husbands and wives sometimes are so close that it confuses their children. "If the kids perceive a certain level of intimacy between their parents," Solotar warns, "they'll try to foster it, and if they imagine their parents will get back together, they may not invest in a new stepparent." To avoid feeding children's fantasies, experts recommend that parents adhere to firm rules about communicating. Barring emergencies or urgent business, they should limit their chats to co-parenting issues, says Jennifer Coleman, a counselor at Rosen Divorce in Raleigh, N.C. She recommends a once-a-week discussion at a set time.

Socializing with an ex is a relatively new and not well-researched cultural frontier. Writer Lisa Cohn, 48, and psychologist Bill Merkel, 60, partners for 10 years in Portland, Ore., and co-authors of One Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories and Advice for Stepfamilies, have struggled with this terrain because both have children from previous marriages and warm relations with their ex-spouses. Their annual Christmas party includes both exes and all their kids. Their first party, seven years ago, occasioned moments of tension and jealousy among the adults and confusion among the children, but Cohn and Merkel considered it a success. Most important, they say, is that every adult committed to be there and tried to make it work. That sense of unity among the adults relaxed the children and made later encounters between exes less stressful.

No solution is perfect when dealing with the fallout from divorce, but experts suggest a few tests. If there are children, look carefully at how they are doing. "If the parents are getting close," says Solotar, "and the kids are acting out more, that's valuable information." Look also for difficulty forming new attachments. Such signs can provide essential clues as to whether you have truly moved on.