Punchlines: Jan. 16, 2006

"The guy who was the former chef at the White House has written a tell-all book. For example, he says Dick Cheney, Vice President, his favorite dish is something called chicken Gitmo—it's chicken bound and gagged over rice." —DAVID LETTERMAN

"John Kerry is positioning himself for another run at the White House in 2008. Kerry said this campaign will be much better than the last one. He says this time he's gonna take three positions on each issue." —JAY LENO

"Dirty Dancing star Patrick Swayze has announced that he's working on a rap album. Industry experts say it's important Swayze does the album now—while he's hot." —CONAN O'BRIEN