You're Sure This Is How Shakespeare Did It?

Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 By JOEL STEIN

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Throughout all this nonwriting, we're eating meals we have ordered or nervously snacking on nuts and candy or sending out production assistants to buy us complicated coffee drinks and, at least on two occasions, Slurpees. In six months, I have gained 10 lbs. The other thing I was unprepared for, besides the amount of eating we do, is the way my fellow scribes choose to converse. At TIME, I was the guy who said inappropriate things at meetings. That was not only a lot of fun but also prevented me from being invited to a lot of meetings. But at Crumbs, I'm like the nun sent to Deadwood. I did not imagine my next job after TIME would involve extended daily discussions about the two female writers' labia.

Although I'm not very good at the group-writing part, I believe that at our Friday-night tapings, I add a certain amount of enthusiasm, which the other writers refer to as "annoying behavior." My excitement, however, is dwarfed by the audience wrangler, who entertains tourists who have volunteered to sit through a 4-hr. taping of a 22-min. show they've never heard of. To keep them engaged, he juggles, practices hypnosis and occasionally interrupts their fun to watch our actors perform. This is why laughter on sitcoms is so inappropriately loud. We actually have a laugh-track guy whose main job is to lower and remove audience response. Also because the few times my lines make it into the script, I tend to yell, "Oh, man, now that's a good one!"