Punchlines: Jan. 23, 2006

By DEPARTMENT Sunday, Jan. 15, 2006

"Have you noticed that Dick Cheney has been walking around with a cane lately? He said that he really didn't need the cane. He just liked the idea that a tree had to be cut down to make it." --JAY LENO

"The Alito hearings are so dull that that woman in Cincinnati who was dead in front of her TV for two years--she got up and turned them off." --DAVID LETTERMAN

"The guy who invented LSD celebrates his 100th birthday tomorrow. Yeah, he plans to spend the day surrounded by friends, family and a 9-ft.-tall unicorn." --CONAN O'BRIEN

"ESPN COURTS FEMALE VIEWERS WITH WORLD'S EMOTIONALLY STRONGEST MAN COMPETITION" --Fake news headline from THE ONION

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"We don't want to show him off like an exotic animal."
Swiss Justice Ministry spokesman FOLCO GALLI, on the decision to place director Roman Polanski under house arrest at his Alpine chalet. Swiss authorities say they won't appeal against a ruling granting bail
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Quotes of the Day »

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"We don't want to show him off like an exotic animal."
Swiss Justice Ministry spokesman FOLCO GALLI, on the decision to place director Roman Polanski under house arrest at his Alpine chalet. Swiss authorities say they won't appeal against a ruling granting bail
More Quotes »

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