The Joel 100

Wednesday, May. 03, 2006 By JOEL STEIN
Art Chung, who made the Joel 100 thanks to his talents with a Macintosh, and TIME contributor Joel Stein
Courtesy of Joel Stein
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1. Cassandra Barry, wife

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The only person I'm "allowed" to have sex with.

2. Roz Burd, mom,

By Cassandra Barry

"Roz dances with sparklers on the 4th of July. She's got a kind word to say about everybody. She joined consciousness-raising groups in the '70s and brought tech stock in the '90s. She always wants to know how you're feeling. She makes her house feel like it's your home. Just don't ask her about her teeth and make damn sure you serve her an extra hot cup of coffee."

3. Charlie Stein, dad

He gives me lots of fatherly advice. Plus he now has a phat pad in the Hamptons he lets me bring friends to.

4. Marco Pennette, creator of ABC's Crumbs

He fulfilled my childhood dream by giving me my first sitcom-writing job. He also made me stay through dinner a lot. But he let me drive the golf cart. So mostly a positive.

5. John Williams, Chicago radio host

He's always putting me on air, pimping my stuff. Plus, he's the only one who asked to be on this list. It's tough being on AM radio

6. Andres Martinez, Los Angeles Times editorial page editor

When Michael Kinsley left the L.A. Times, everyone thought they were going to get rid of my column. Then this guy takes his place, invites me to breakfast and tells me he's keeping me. That's a first.

7. Richard Weitz, agent

Do I know how to write a sitcom? No. Does Weitz know that? Yes. Does he tell other people that? No. That's good agenting.

8. Jared Levine, lawyer

I wasn't sure why I needed a lawyer, but my agent told me I had to. I think they're in cahoots.

9. Lisa Stein, sister

She spends a lot of time with my mother. Hopefully, she realizes that will continue when mom suffers from dementia and incontinence.

10. Mama Ann, grandmother

That broad has a good attitude. And she keeps it real.

11. Jamie Tarses, TV executive

She got her production company to pay me lots of money to write a sitcom for CBS. Then she decided my sitcom sucked and we shouldn't show it to CBS until next year, so we can fix it. But then I found out this is called "rolling a deal" and scores me an extra $25,000. How awesome is Hollywood?

12. Holly and John Purcell, homeowners

Anyone can sell a house. But to have the guts to move right across the street after selling it? Impressive. More plumbing questions are on the way, Purcells.

13. Paul Elliott and Sue Jett, landlords

Kicked us out after a year because they wanted to move in and "just realized it."

14. Josh Tyrangiel, friend

By Robert Goulet

"I'm a fan of Josh Tyrangiel. He's an accomplished writer where it concerns Hip-Hop, rock & rap artists, but he seems to o'erlook a few of their predecessors. Hurt, no—but—'nuff said!"

15. Dora, proprietor of Yuca's Taco Stand

After a year of weekly lunch visits, I still don't know what pibil is, but oh, she feeds me good.

16. Tim Westergren, Pandora.com founder

I bought Harmon Kardon speakers for my computer instead of buying a stereo for downstairs because of your little music genome project, personalized radio station thing that needs a better phrase to explain it. Work on that, Tim.

17. Donick Cary, sitcom writer

A guy who knows a lot about good ethnic restaurants is worth his weight in pupusas. And such guys usually weigh a lot of pupusas.

18. Lash Fary, celebrity gift bag maker

I got like four stories out of Lash, plus lots of party invites. I have to take him out to dinner.

19. Art Chung, friend

That man knows how to use a Mac. Straight up.

20. Samantha Appleton, tenant

She always gets her rent checks in extra early, and she lets me stay there when she's away.

21. Trader Joe, supermarketist

He puts vegetables in bags that go in the microwave. He makes his own hummus. He gets a serviceable muscadet for $6. I hope I never get traded, but if I do, I hope Joe does it.

22. George Cosette, Silverlake wine owner

That Kerner was mad fresh. And the Moulin-a-Vent? Worth the cash. Those tastings are getting rowdy, though, bro.

23. Marsh McCall, sitcom writer

When Jamie Tarses had given up on me, McCall met with me and restructured my whole plot. Plus, that complicated secret chicken recipe: equal parts salt, pepper, paprika and brown sugar. He's a double genius.

24. Bob Fitzgerald, friend

Once you gave up on the wussy Nautilus machines, you made a good workout partner. I don't know why you've lost so many tennis games, having been a high school athlete and me a Dungeons & Dragons player, but I'm glad it made you buy four different racquets. Yeah, it's the racquet. It's your softness, dawg!

25. Lauren Zalaznick, Bravo president

One of the two smartest people I know.