The Joel 100

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I got him to expense a bunch of meals I ate.

77. John Cloud, Time writer

He expensed some of my meals too.

78. Alan Lafley, Proctor & Gamble CEO

Five blades? Kennedy would never have been President if Nixon had five blades. Babies' butts feel harsh and prickly compared to my face.

79. Andy Dick, actor

The actor sat down at the same Texas Hold 'Em table at the Wynn, and proceeded to lose $300 to me in a half hour, fixing my previous night's loss.

80. Maura Tierney, actress

I eliminated the Bravo Celebrity Poker Showdown champion at a Texas Hold 'Em tournament at a friend's house. And then I ran into her the next week while I was getting a tour of the set of E.R. and she was still nice to me. At this point in the list, I'm just name dropping.

81. Jimmy Wales, Wikipedia founder and president

Wikipedia makes me smart. It took the Wired guy 20 times as many words to say that in the Time 100.

82. Andy Tennant, director of Hitch

Turned me on to English breakfast lattes at the Coffee Bean, a great cover for wusses who can't handle coffee. Fine, you think you're such a brilliant interviewer, what are you going to talk to the director of Hitch about?

83. Ken and Hope Barry, wife's parents

They let me stay at their place and bring me tea and cake while I "write."

84. Marc Einsele, friend

That guy is always nice to me. He doesn't judge.

85. The really big guy who is always at the gym

I watched him and stole a couple of exercises off of him. I hope he didn't think I was flirting.

86. Rob Radick, Fantasy Baseball commissioner

He picked a day I couldn't be in New York, thus getting me out of the biggest time sinkhole ever invented. If I wanted to talk baseball all day with a bunch of lawyers, I'd be a baseball lawyer.

87. John E. Potter, postmaster general

Mail is like Christmas every day. If you told me to take a piece of paper across the country and gave me 39 cents, I'd tell you to screw yourself. Not John E. Potter.

88. Hank McKinnell Jr., Pfizer CEO

I think the Rogaine stopped my hair loss. Big ups to Hank, who bought Pharmacia, which made Rogaine, which I don't actually buy since it's more expensive than the generic stuff that Costco sells. Still, it's not like Costco is doing R&D. So again, big ups, Hank.

89. Harriet and Bruce Lehrman, aunt and uncle

How can people be so incredibly nice and giving to me and still subscribe to Newsweek? If you had to choose between two competing products, and one your nephew wrote about his life in—wouldn't you pick that one? Hey, I think I just figured something out.

90. Arrowhead water guy

I've never seen you, and I kind of hate you for making me pay for tap water, but without you I'd still be drinking from the downstairs sink that, even with the Brita pitcher, was giving me green water. Damn you, Arrowhead water guy.

91. Bruce Blair, Vanguard representative

I needed to sell assets to put a downpayment on my house and he figured out all the stuff I could sell at a loss. That way I don't pay taxes, but instead get taxes back. Bruce helped me screw America out of taxes. He's like my own personal George W. Bush.

92. Brad L. Jacobson, mortgage broker

6.00%? On a fixed jumbo 30-year? At the end of October? They said it couldn't be done, but Brad, whom I never met or even talked to on the phone, found me some stupid-ass bank that had never heard of Alan Greenspan. Nice work, Brad.

93. Waitress at Blair's

I knew I wasn't braising my short ribs for long enough, no matter what Joy of Cooking said.

94. L. Ron Hubbard

Not only did you make Tom Cruise much, much more entertaining, but your excellent, affordable brunch at the Celebrity Center kept my mom and sister nearly quiet for two hours during their visit. Two blissful hours.

95. Rodney Rothman, friend

I called you from Austin, Texas and you told me where to get barbecue. You also made a whole bunch of us go to that inane Jacques Tati movie. That sucked.

96. J.D. Ryznar, actor/writer

Yacht Rock on channel101.com—that cracks me up too. Plus it's got me listening to a lot of Captain and Tennille. If you can affect someone so much that he listens to Captain and Tennille, you are powerful.

97. Walter Isaacson, CEO, Aspen Institute

He not only put me up in Aspen for a weekend and brought me to dinners with the richest people I'll ever meet, but we went clubbing with a former Miss Fitness USA. That's range.

98. Robert Goulet, singer

You try following the man in his car. That's how he lives his life!

99. Stacey Williams, friend

She sends me lots of links to stories about the environment. This wastes a lot of my time.

100. Reva Parnes, aunt

Seriously, you were right. I looked stupid wearing those white T shirts under my button downs on VH1. College in the '80s is over. I got it. Let it go, Reva.