When Foster Teens Find a Home

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Concerned parents like the Juarezes can provide the grounding these kids need, but it can be extremely difficult for some foster teens to make the transition into a permanent family. About a quarter of adolescent adoptions fail before they're finalized, vs. about 12% of adoptions overall. "You get the double whammy of teen rebellion combined with the challenge of asking the child to change their way of life, which for them is like changing their identity," says McCreight. To make such adoptions work "takes flexibility and families that are willing to give unconditional love and set limits and discipline with love," says Annie Erickson, a psychiatric social worker at the Marillac residential treatment center for troubled kids in Overland Park, Kans.

More than half of all foster teens who get adopted are adopted by their foster parents. All states require prospective foster parents and those who adopt from the foster-care system to take a training program to prepare them for issues that range from coping with the horrors of sexual or physical abuse to the banalities of eating dinner as a family or observing curfews. But parents who have taken the courses say they are only somewhat useful. "Nothing prepares you for when the child comes into your home," says Shirley Williams, who adopted two teenagers last fall. Still, a look at how some teens and families have adjusted can offer insight into what it takes to make a new life for these youngsters.

OVERCOMING A LOST CHILDHOOD

SABREENA BOYD LEARNED TO cook, clean and take care of herself when she was just 7 because, she says, her birth mother was often too drunk or strung out on drugs to watch over her. After she moved in with the Juarezes, "I was told that I needed to try to live the rest of my childhood," says SaBreena. "But what does being a kid mean? I don't think I've ever gotten that explained to me."

The girl clicked right away with her adoptive dad Stuart, now 39 and a Baptist minister. Soon after she moved in, they painted her bedroom her favorite color--sky blue. And after school, Stuart would talk with her about her day. "It was me and Dad all day, every day," says SaBreena, who never met her biological father. Getting along with her new mom Tina, a state clerical worker, also 39, was harder. Says SaBreena: "We didn't have anything to say to each other. The only time we would talk was about chores." Says Tina: "Dad was the friend. Mom was the parent."

Like most teens, SaBreena didn't enjoy being told to put the dishes away or leave her bedroom door unlocked. But instead of sulking when she got really mad, she would run away--sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for a few days. At first when SaBreena disappeared, the Juarezes would call the police and go looking for her. But "that became very old because we could never find her," says Stuart. Eventually, they began leaving a sleeping bag outside the back door as a reminder that even if she didn't want to come inside, she never had to sleep on the streets. When she did come home, the Juarezes would talk to her about what happened and either ground her or give her extra chores. One technique, suggested by counselors, was called "time in," which meant that SaBreena had to stay close to her parents and do whatever they did.