When Foster Teens Find a Home

(4 of 5)

Then Dan went to college, and they started instant-messaging each other to stay in touch. Although he and Jackie IM several times a week and Dan says he would like to work on their relationship, one of the few times he remembers calling Jackie Mom to her face was four years ago at church. "She was at the altar praying, and I put my arm around her, and I called her Mom. I think she cried," he says. Jackie says she knew all along that it would be hard for Dan to call her Mom. "I realized that it was because of the loss of his own mom," she says, adding, "I don't know if he'll ever really get over that, but I'm hoping."

BALANCING FAMILY LOYALTIES

MANY ADOPTED TEENS ARE TORN BY SPLIT allegiances to their birth and adoptive families. A tall, bubbly 16-year-old who plays drums and dreams of being a pilot or neurophysicist, Lamar Stapleton says being in foster care "taught me a lot about life. When push comes to shove, you've only got yourself and your family." And by family, he means his birth family. In November, Lamar and his younger sister Nasia, 14, were adopted by Shirley Williams, 61, a single parent in New York City's Harlem who had already raised five of her own children.

Lamar, who had been in foster care since he was 4, is grateful to have a permanent home. He always calls Williams Mom, and he makes a point of hugging her every day and telling her that he loves her, but he says, "Seeing her as my mother--I don't think I can ever really do that because that would be blocking my [biological] mother out of my life." He continues to hope that he can find his missing birth mom and has even searched for her "once or twice" on the Internet. Having his sister with him helps, but sometimes the stress of dueling loyalties makes him moody. "He holds a lot in. I keep telling him it's not good holding in," says Williams. Admits Lamar: "I think I have less feelings than everybody else. Being in the [foster care] system kind of dilutes your emotions. I basically have two feelings. I am either happy or angry."

Experts acknowledge the conflict that many adopted teens experience and say letting them maintain a relationship with their birth parents (when safe) can help provide more continuity in their tumultuous lives. "We try to help kids realize that you're not replacing one family with another. You're building on," says Chaffkin, who counsels foster kids who are considering being adopted. Tina Juarez says one of the most important lessons she learned while raising SaBreena and the two younger children whom she and Stuart have also adopted is "Don't try and take their prior life away because they'll resent you for it."

ACCEPTING THE WILD CHILD

YEVONDA GRAHAM'S CHILDHOOD MEMORIES are mostly the stuff of nightmares. In and out of 36 foster homes, Vonda, now 22, says she was sexually abused by relatives, molested by a foster parent and raped as a teenager. By the time she got to the home of Dale Graham and Karla Groschelle in Whitley City, Ky., at 17, she had been in eight hospitals and three group homes and had just run away from her last foster home. Arriving at the couple's house for what she expected to be yet another short-term placement, she remembers, "I was so nervous, and I was just thinking to myself, Is this going to be another bad foster home?"