Punchlines: Jul. 31, 2006

By DEPARTMENT Sunday, Jul. 23, 2006

"Americans stuck in Lebanon say they're frustrated because other countries seem to be evacuating their citizens faster. On the bright side, we're almost finished evacuating New Orleans."  --CONAN O'BRIEN

"President Bush says he's personally working on a solution to global warming. He says, Thanks to Republicans, soon every American will receive a voucher for a free Popsicle."  --JAY LENO

"I hope you've heard the great news, America. We are winning. Yesterday, the New York Times made an announcement. They're reducing the width of their newspaper by an inch and a half. That's an inch and a half less of state secrets revealed every day."  --STEPHEN COLBERT

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"Can 'Sports Illustrated' scoop 'Sports Illustrated'? That's a question I can't answer. It was supposed to be in the magazine the next day."
PAUL BOGAARDS, spokesman for the publisher of Andre Agassi's book; an SI reporter revealed a day early via Twitter that the tennis pro admitted to drug use; Time Inc. had bought the rights to run excerpts from the book in SI and People
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Quotes of the Day »

Get & Share
"Can 'Sports Illustrated' scoop 'Sports Illustrated'? That's a question I can't answer. It was supposed to be in the magazine the next day."
PAUL BOGAARDS, spokesman for the publisher of Andre Agassi's book; an SI reporter revealed a day early via Twitter that the tennis pro admitted to drug use; Time Inc. had bought the rights to run excerpts from the book in SI and People
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