People: Aug. 21, 2006

FUNNY, HE NEVER SEEMED SOBER Got a good script for a wisecracking fiftysomething with a weakness for schmaltz? California A.A. meetings might be the best place to shop it. In the wake of Mel Gibson's clumsy tumble off the wagon, ROBIN WILLIAMS has announced that "after 20 years of sobriety," he "found himself drinking again and has decided to take proactive measures to deal with this for his own well-being and the well-being of his family." The hyperactive comic, who has three movies due this fall, "looks forward to returning to work," his spokeswoman said. Audiences that saw RV or Jakob the Liar are urging Williams to take all the time he needs.

A WHODUNIT BY ... WHO DAT? Apparently, leading a leftist revolution from the jungles of southern Mexico leaves plenty of time for literary pursuits. Zapatista spokesman SUBCOMANDANTE MARCOS has co-written a noir mystery novel, The Uncomfortable Dead, with Spanish crime author Paco Ignacio Taibo II. The story of detectives investigating a government-backed murderer, due in U.S. bookstores next month, isn't the masked rebel's first stab at fiction. In 1999, Marcos, a former professor who travels with a pet rooster, wrote a children's book, Story of the Colors. His new work is an effort to raise awareness of the Zapatistas and cash for charity. Nice try. But he seems to be ignoring another cash cow. Nothing says back-to-school clothes like a ski mask and fatigues.

THE SUMMER OF BABY SURI When it comes to developing great American conspiracy theories, the Roswell and J.F.K. folks have nothing on seekers of infant Suri Cruise. Since she was just a bump in her mom's obsessively studied tummy, the now 4-month-old daughter of enthusiastic unmarried parents TOM CRUISE and KATIE HOLMES has inspired online and tabloid dissections of Suri's birth certificate; blurry, telephoto-lens bassinet shots by helicopter-borne paparazzi; vivid photo-illustrations of how she might look at 20 (a bit like Brooke Shields) by forensic-imaging specialists; and declarations of authenticity from famous friends like Penélope Cruz and Jada Pinkett Smith, who told a reporter that Suri is "gorgeous, with a head full of black, beautiful hair." Rumors are swirling that someone has actually taken the first authorized photos of the wee bairn--not just any photographer, of course, but Vanity Fair's resident portraitist Annie Leibowitz. (Reps for Cruise and Vanity Fair refused comment.) TIME can exclusively report exactly what she looks like: a baby.

IT'S NOT YOU. IT'S NOT ME. IT'S THE MTV CAMERAS Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, right, made it look easy with their loving expletives. But younger rock-'n'-roll couples who let MTV crews into their homes seem, well, cursed.

THE SWEETHEARTS Blink-182 drummer TRAVIS BARKER and Miss USA SHANNA MOAKLER

THE SHOW Meet the Barkers

IN HAPPIER TIMES "You can play in bands, act like you're 13 and still come home and be rad parents," he said.

THE SPLIT Divorce papers filed last week blame irreconcilable differences. We hope the prenup covers hair products.

THE SWEETHEARTS Tattooed alt-rocker DAVE NAVARRO and Baywatch alumna CARMEN ELECTRA THE SHOW 'Til Death Do Us Part IN HAPPIER TIMES At their 2003 wedding, "I cried more," he said, "'cause I had less mascara on."