Nuclear Implosion

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These two couples confirm what many demographers now believe — that many modern families are planned around that most quintessential of baby boomer obsessions, the desire for self-fulfillment. Thomas Klein, a sociologist at Heidelberg University, Germany, observed more than 5,000 women for 12 years to see what influenced their family-planning decisions and concluded that financial considerations took a backseat. Most couples opted to start families only when convinced that children would enhance their own lives.

That is a massive change from earlier generations, who thought that only a life blessed with children was a fulfilled one. Some 85% of German women born before 1973 told researchers from the Federal Center for Health Education that they were brought up to believe children were essential to a woman's happiness. Among women born after 1973, that figure dropped to 60%. Their male counterparts appear even less likely to link contentment to parenthood. One in four German men aged 20-39 plan not to have kids, according to a Robert Bosch Foundation/BiB study.

Not that the pursuit of pleasure necessarily rules out children. For Sujata Naik and Ron Scapello, it simply delayed their decision to start a family. Naik, now 41 and a manager for L'Oréal, had just passed her 30th birthday when she met Scapello, a commercials director, one year younger and preparing to go to film school. "Partly because we got together so late, we had a second adolescence," says Naik, recalling carefree days of music festivals and spontaneous socializing. "There wasn't a missing element to our life. I think we were waiting for that moment you know you really want a baby." That moment never came and when Naik hit 35, the couple finally decided to bite the bullet.

When nothing happened, their reluctance evaporated and they were dismayed after a battery of tests produced a diagnosis of unexplained infertility. At each appointment, medical practitioners would warn that Naik's advancing age meant her chances of conception were plummeting. But they defied the math and after a second round of intrauterine insemination — a method of selecting the most robust sperm and inserting them into the uterus that has a 10% chance of resulting in pregnancy — their daughter Shanti Roma Scapello, now 21/2. "Some people say, 'When my child is 10, I'll take him rock-climbing.' I'll be 50 then. I don't have time to put things off," says Naik. Shanti may be fortunate that her parents have the wealth and maturity to make her the center of their lives. And certainly European women see plenty of examples of prominent middle-aged pregnancies: pop star Madonna, Bridget Jones author Helen Fielding and the British Prime Minister's wife, Cherie Blair. But there can be disadvantages. Attempts to provide Shanti with a sibling have, thus far, proved unsuccessful.

Only, Not Lonely
A child born to an older mother is more likely to grow up a singleton — and older would-be parents are more likely to face bitter disappointment when they find they are no longer able to conceive. But still many women decide to wait. One reason is feminism, says novelist Maggie Alderson, 47. "I'm a '70s feminist and I always will be," she explains. "Being financially independent has always been the most important thing to me. I knew having a baby, I'd risk losing that." Her first marriage lasted 12 years; by the time she met her current husband, she was 36. Trying for a baby produced no results so they decided "to put their energy into not having children. We thought we'd be those fabulous older people you meet who have an incredibly active cultural life." Instead, they find themselves running after Peggy, an unexpected, and — given her mother's age — statistically improbable, arrival four years ago. Barring a second surprise, Peggy will remain an only child. Alderson shied away from using fertility treatments to conceive Peggy and doesn't intend to start now, though she's sad that her daughter "is missing out on family jokes and shared memories. But this doesn't worry me as much as it might have, because so many of her friends are only children because they have older mothers."