Going It Alone

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Even for the most resilient survivors, however, time can't heal all wounds. "Time only passes," says Russell Friedman, a co-author of The Grief Recovery Handbook. "It's action that provides the opportunity for change." Limerick found hers through exercise. Instead of crying during her nightly Marty Robbins sessions, she began exercising to the music. "I was totally out of shape, and I started doing jumping jacks to the mournful song," she recalls. "It felt really good." Limerick continued to lean on her friends but found different ways to be with them. One took her shopping for a new wardrobe after Limerick lost 40 lbs. and she discovered her inner clotheshorse. Looking for new things to wear not only gave her something to do other than sitting around thinking about the past but also gave her the chance to do something that had no connection to her years with Jeff. "My enthusiasm for cool clothes seemed to signal that I was entering a new era of my life," she says.

Within four months of her husband's death, she also found that, much as friends sustained her, she missed the more intimate companionship she had shared with Jeff. Deciding it was time to ease back into dating, she made a list of men she found interesting and started asking them out to business events and lectures. Today she is happily seeing a man who is a friend from her past.

Having the opportunity to say goodbye, even during a stress-filled period of caregiving, not only may make the mourning process a bit easier to bear but also just might point the way to the survivor's new identity in the world of widowhood. Sherron Driver, 62, was her husband James' caregiver for the last eight years of his life as he valiantly struggled with heart disease and respiratory ailments. "We talked a lot about life and death. He told me he wanted me to continue on with my life, to be a model for our children," recalls Driver, who had been married to James for 25 years and raised three children with him before his death in 2003. Having devoted so much time to his care, she knew she would have to find other ways to keep busy. She has become part of a group of women who have lost their spouses and lend support to one another when someone needs a little extra TLC. Because James was a disabled vet, Driver has also become a member of the Disabled Veterans Auxiliary. The other activities that fill her datebook include serving on the board of the local chapter of Habitat for Humanity, teaching cooking to young children at a group home and taking courses at the community college near her home in Sierra Vista, Ariz. "James gave so much of himself to me," she says. "Now I feel obligated to give to others."

There are cases, however, in which too much closeness between a couple can make it harder for the surviving spouse, especially if they had relied almost exclusively on each other for company. Men, researchers say, often have more difficulty because their wives tend to be the only people in whom they confide their deepest feelings. In such cases, professional counseling can provide a boost.