A Better House Blend

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When such inequities crop up, parents need to be on guard not to be angry with the child who got the goodies and not to badmouth the relative who paid for the expensive gift, says psychologist Jonathan Pochyly of Children's Memorial Hospital in Chicago. Like all attacks on an ex or a new stepparent, negative remarks are deeply destructive to the new, blended family.

Discipline is another minefield where fairness issues regularly explode. The children often encounter three or four different sets of rules: those of their biological parent and their stepparent in each household. Experts advise that, with rare exceptions, biological parents should discipline their children, even if there are different rules within the same household. Explaining these differences to the child is key, says Linda Gordon, a Chevy Chase, Md., family therapist specializing in children of divorce. When husband and wife discipline their children differently, she suggests that a parent explain, "Stepdad and I have different values, but I still think my values are good." Over time, though, couples in blended families should try to narrow the gap between their rules.

But what if the conflict is between your biological child and your stepchild? Balancing the scales of justice between them can test parents sorely. Susan Wallis, a kindergarten teacher in Ellicott City, Md., initially tried to defend her son Sam, now 10, when his three older stepsiblings teased him. "I'd react, 'My poor baby!'" she admits. Her husband Kent Davis suggested that when the kids fought, the disputants should bring their issue before both parents. Each child, without interruption and using "I" statements, would explain what happened and how it made him feel. The tactic has helped the kids recognize when they are being unfair and learn to resolve their differences, although, says Wallis, it can be hard to listen without taking sides. Says she: "I had to teach myself not to add comments."

Sometimes families need a little help from an expert who can stand back from everybody's feelings. One counseling session was enough to help Susan Emerling and her husband resolve an ongoing argument between his daughter and hers soon after the couple married. One of the girls had lots of friends over and complained that her stepsister kept horning in. The other said it wasn't fair to leave her out. The counselor suggested that they make a rule: Whoever had friends over had a right to privacy with them in her bedroom, but if they played in a common area, her stepsister had the right to join in. "This did fix it," Emerling relates. After the child who needed privacy got it, she was more willing to include her stepsister.

All these issues lose their sharp edges when a family becomes truly blended, but that can take anywhere from four to seven years, research shows. Children under age 8 blend the fastest, and those between 9 and 11 the slowest, says Sandra Macias, a professor at the Pacific Graduate School of Psychology in Palo Alto, Calif. Experts warn newcomers to blended families to be realistic about what they can expect when.