Manners Matters

(3 of 5)

By the time I arrive at Samantha von Sperling's home office just off Wall Street a few days later, I am wondering how many bosses and co-workers I have inadvertently offended. (And does one apologize by e-mail?) Von Sperling's stylish loftlike apartment is white, white, white, almost as unsustainable as perfect manners. Naturally, Von Sperling is wearing black. She is gracious, earnest, with a clipped, formal tone. Formerly a dancer and makeup artist, Von Sperling felt a calling to etiquette five years ago. She explains, "I felt surrounded by people who were badly dressed and ill mannered, and I couldn't take it anymore. I thought this was really a service that humanity needed." Her firm, Polished Social Image Consultants, coaches executives for such companies as Prudential, Bank of America and Deutsche Bank. "The world needs a one-stop spit shine," she says proudly. "That's what I do."

Her mission this evening is to teach me table manners for business meals. I sit at a place setting with an array of cutlery. The fish fork, I learn, is the one with ornate tines--smaller than the main-course fork--meant to debone fish. Here comes another list of rules for me to memorize: When you excuse yourself from the table midmeal, refold your napkin and put it on your chair. When you leave the table for good, put your napkin, neatly folded, to the right of your plate. And if you don't like the food, eat it anyway. Says Von Sperling: "I'm not going to blow a million-dollar deal by offending my hostess. Just open wide and swallow."

Von Sperling teaches me formal Continental-style dining, in which you don't shift your fork to your right hand after cutting. "Most people don't know how to hold the knife and fork correctly. It amazes me how few people actually know this," she says as she demonstrates. "But what if someone says, 'Lady, we're Americans. Why do we need to ape the Europeans?'" I ask her. She looks bruised, and I wonder if she's going to cry. "I don't make up the rules. I just pass them along," she says. "I truly believe that without these rules, humanity is in for a tragic loss. Every single rule of etiquette, every single rule of protocol, every single rule having to do with any kind of social grace comes from one underlying rule, which was respect and hospitality for another person." I am suddenly ashamed. I resolve to come to a greater understanding of the fish fork.

My last seminar is in midtown at Ketchum, a global public relations agency. Ann Marie Sabath, the founder of At Ease Inc., a business-etiquette firm in New York City and Cincinnati, Ohio, that advises such corporations as Procter & Gamble and American Express, is the lunchtime speaker.

Sabath, clad in black, works the room like a nightclub performer, bringing three of the Ketchum executives up for a mildly embarrassing demonstration. Today's lessons are about tricky social situations, the topic of her forthcoming book, One Minute Manners: Quick Solutions to the Most Awkward Situations You'll Ever Face at Work. How do you introduce two people whose names you can't remember, for example? Simply delegate, she says. Just ask, "Have the two of you met?", and they'll take over. If you need to introduce your boss and your client, whose name do you use first? The client's, always.