I'm Running Too

My fellow Americans: I'm a follower, not a leader. That is why I am declaring my candidacy for President of the United States. There are so many candidates in the field, why not one more? I had planned to wait and follow my friend Sarah, who says she might run too, but I do not want to be the very last follower. That could maybe be construed as leading.

What do I stand for? Besides following, I mean. Universal health care, definitely. Or if not universal, then at least darn good coverage for any and all female candidates from Manhattan who have straight dark hair, because what if I get hit by a bus driven by someone else in the race? That reminds me, I also stand for transportation reform. For instance, I firmly believe in passing legislation that makes it mandatory for the No. 6 subway to stop a block or two closer to my residence. Also, why do we have to have both North Dakota and South Dakota? But that may just be me.

I firmly believe tax reform should be reformed. For instance, what if, at the end of the year, the government sends you a bill? Not a bill as in "The Senate passed the McCain-Marx bill," but a bill as in "Excuse me, is the tip included in this bill?" And by the way, whether or not you give your server a tip should not be under the purview of the U.S. Government, in my opinion, unless, of course, some of the other presidential hopefuls endorse this. In that case, I will do as the others do.

The environment is of great concern to me, even though I hardly go there. Like every other candidate, I am not and never will be a supporter of global warming. But neither am I so crazy about the recent local colding that many parts of this great and weather-rich nation have been experiencing. My sleet policy, by the way, is awaiting further direction. Give my precipitation man a holler next week to see if anything's been decided.

On to foreign policy. With regard to Iraq, my position remains what it was from the first. I have never voted for anything having to do with Iraq, nor did I fill out any Iraq-related forms because if you do that kind of thing, sooner or later the form guys show up and try to sell you something like a time-share. A lot of the other candidates are gutlessly desperate not to have a track record on Iraq. Well, all I can say is: me too!

Allow me to take this opportunity to tell you that I have never been to Istanbul, Berlin or Copenhagen, all of which I hear are magnificent urban areas. Nation building? No way! If I am President, while I am in those cities, you have my word that I will not engage in metropolis building. What's more, I will not march into a single municipal edifice and do so much as change a lightbulb.

Like Barack Obama, I have formed a presidential exploratory committee. My findings are unambiguous: I'm going to need money to do more exploring. These days, apparently, you can't even lose without a lot of money. How much? Right now, Hillary Clinton has $14 million in donations in the bank. Mine total $127.76, and, technically, the money's earmarked for the gift a few of us are getting our friend Paul for his birthday coming up.